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Home / Thoughts / It’s a rush all right

It’s a rush all right

Written by Sean on Tuesday, April 18, 2006

My good friend Jen wrote about a pair of friends of hers who met up for a weekend and the observations of the guy (a devotee) who noticed that the gal he spent the weekend with (a pretender/wannabe) left glowing and happy as anything. It is a good bit of writing that you should read before continuing to read my bit :)

http://jenfizz.blogspot.com/2006/04/rush.html

I must comment on some of the things Jen says.

"BIID sufferers (and to a certain extent, devs) are closeted now the way gays were closeted forty years ago."

In fact, my mother once told me she would prefer me to be gay, or even transexual, than transabled! As if it was a choice I made. No folks, being transabled is NOT a lifestyle choice, just as being gay isn’t a lifestyle choice (note to Jen, I’m not saying that for your benefit, I know you know :) )

"I think the constant strain and pain of living with BIID is as real as physical pain. The relief she got from living as she sees herself is such a rush that the pain is forgotten. "

Yes, the constant pain and strain is as real, if invisible to the naked eye, as physical pain. It’s ongoing. Constant and rarely relents. It nags at you and saps your energy.

I don’t know if, for me, living as a wheeler is such a rush that pain is forgotten. Perhaps that’s mostly because it’s not an intermittent thing for me, I’m using my chair, at home and in public, daily. So that "rush" is not so intense.

"I need to talk to her. I need to ask her, what’s the longest she’s been able to stay in a chair. Does the rush stop? Does the buzz wear off and when it does, does she look at herself and say, yes, this is me, as I am supposed to be? And can she then go about her business"

Quite obviously, I’m not "her". I can’t answer for her (nor would I even dream to). But I can tell you a bit about my experience. Longest I’ve stayed in the chair? As in, no "cheating"/para mode 24/7? Ohh, I dunno, maybe a couple weeks. The rush is different. It’s not so much a rush, as a constant effect. You don’t get used, or acclimated, not really. It’s just not so much a rush anymore, but being in the chair so much gave me a sense of being "aligned" with myself. And that really gave/gives me as much peace as I can hope to get, short of the elusive "snip".

But after years of living as a para, as good as wheeling still is to my psyche, a serious dose of frustration is building up. Yeah, it’s good. But it’s not the genuine thing, and the more time passes, the more aware I am that it isn’t the real McCoy. And that, in and of itself, is sapping my energies.

The thing is, to stop wheeling makes it even worse. I don’t know how anyone can simply go back to their walking life after experiencing this "rightness"

It’s hard to describe how doing simple things, such as going to the video store in one’s chair, can bring such joy, because it’s all internal, and not even a function of video store. It’s just… Being able to be who you are, projecting the self-image you have of yourself, and being perceived in that way by complete strangers (and ideally friends and familly, but let’s not ask too much!).

I, too, would like to know the answers to Jen’s questions from that gal :)