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In the dumps again (or is that still?)
Written by Sean on Thursday, August 24, 2006
Depressed, down, in the dumps, having the blues, yeah yeah yeah. That’s the state I’m at, again. I mean, it never goes too far, but it gets tiresome nonetheless. It is insidious how ongoing, low-grade depression can affect you. It’s not usualy the great crisis of depression, where you can’t even be bothered getting out of bed to go to the ‘loo that get to me (although I’ve had those as well). It’s the relentless attacks of mild depression, robbing me of joys, pleasures, tastes, sleep, smiles…
Caption: This image represents well how
I feel lately.
There’s a word for it, I remember coming across it a few months back. Oh, one has to be careful not to self-diagnose, it’s too easy at times. And labels are not always all that helpful. Be that as it may, the word is dysthymia, and Wikipedia, along with several other sites have some interesting thing to say:
"Dysthymia can, though not always, prevent a person from functioning, affecting sleep pattern and daily activities, it prevents full enjoyment of life.
Dysthymia may seem a paradoxical disorder in that sufferers exhibit fairly mild symptoms on a day-to-day basis, however, over a life time it can have severe effects: high rates of suicide, work impairment, and social isolation. Dysthymia typically lasts much longer than an episode of major depression, and outsiders often perceive dysthymic individuals as dour and humorless. "
Also interesting to note that dysthymia does not preclude more severe episodes of depression…
And for me, at the risk of repeating myself, low-grade, chronic depression is not related to being transabled. I am most definitely depressed right now, but am not feeling a particular resurgence of transabled feelings. Oh, sure, it’s in the back of my mind, as always, but it’s not spiking by any stretch of the imagination, and certainly not due to being depressed.
No joy nor excitement at the prospect of releasing the new design of transabled.org. Waking up tired, despite having slept ten or so hours. Having no interest in food, despite my foodie background… No joy at work, despite having all ingredients there to be generally content. Bla bla bla, yada yada yada.
Those of you who’ve been there will know what I’m talking about. Those of you who haven’t, are unlikely to get it, no matter how much I describe it. Because there’s nothing really wrong in my life. Heck, I should grab myself by the bootstraps and snap out of it, shouldn’t I?
To make matters worse, I can’t even tell my partner that I’m in therapy, because she thinks therapy is generally useless. She’s made several derogatory comment when watching films, about "geee, they must be in therapy, what crap they speak", or words to that effect. It’s only for real fucked up people, therapy, isn’t it? But then, she’s called me fucked in the head often enough that one would think she might consider me a candidate for therapy. I know many other people have told me to go seek help (in relation to being transabled that is, and they weren’t being very nice about it! but that’s another story).
And life will go on, with this ongoing, relentless depression. Oh Joy!
I tell you, sometimes, I wish I was suicidal and done with it. But don’t fret, I’m not about to kill myself, nor even attempt half-heartedly to. I’m paying for some sin, I’m sure, only I don’t know which, and it feels like I’ve been paying interests only, without denting the capital. Maybe my next life will be more kind.<shrug>
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