transabled.org

 

• About
• Login
• Register
• Contact
• Accessibility

Google Search:
Web transabled.org Go

 

Home / Thoughts / I’m past angry

I’m past angry

Written by Sean on Saturday, June 10, 2006

Oh, I know I carry anger around a lot, but there are two things in the last few days that really hit me wrong. Some comments from my partner, and some comments from some guy on a forum. As if my fall should both make me "wake up" and be dismissed as inconsequential.

I told my partner about the pins & needles in my foot that had been going on non-stop for nearly ten days now, and the only thing she said was that the fall off the ladder had been a wake-up call for me. She said "be careful what you wish for, because you might get it". Well, I didn’t get it. It wasn’t a wake-up call. And I’m not sure how to tell her any more clearly that I am what I am, I am transabled, and it’s not going away.

If she can’t handle that, we can’t be together, it’s that simple. Only, it never is that simple, is it?

I’m also angry at a comment from someone on one of the forums, that "4 days in hospital, it mustn’t have been such a terrible injury". Well, no, it wasn’t a terrible injury. It was "just" soft tissue damage, and bruised nerves. They only kept me in hospital for 4 days for the hell of it. <shrug> In the greater scheme of things, no, that isn’t a terrible injury. Perhaps I’m a wimp with pain, who knows? They do say that men can’t endure pain as well as women. I don’t know. I don’t like pain, but I’ve had my fair share of it over the years. And these past ten days, I’ve become well acquainted with nerve pain.

The thing is, it doesn’t really matter just *what* happens to me, I’ll always have critics that say something to the effect it’s not enough. Or that I can’t possibly know. I couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to endure pain from an SCI, because I am able bodied. When I fall and actually do some nerve damage (albeit temporary), I can’t possibly know what it’s like. I suspect were I to somehow end up a para, I would be told I couldn’t possibly know what it’s like, since I’ve wanted it.

And since I wanted it, I can’t legitimately complain about nerve pain, or discrimination, or any of that kind of stuff, now, can I? Of course not! But I’m not complaining, I’m stating a fact. Hell yes, it hurts. Hell yes, it’s driving me to distraction. And hell no, it’s not made me need to be a para any less.

I ought to go to bed, because right now, I’ll admit, I’m rather in the dumps. Past anger, in fact. In a zone i’d rather not be in. And I’m not seeing a way out. I won’t kill myself, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Doesn’t mean I don’t have suicidal thoughts…