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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Sophie's Thoughts / I’m here

I’m here

Written by Sophie on Monday, June 12, 2006

Hey, Iâ??m still here. I thought it might be a good idea to post something this week ;) I guess I havenâ??t posted an update in the last week or so because nothing much has happened beyond sitting at home worried to death about Sean. Seanâ??s fall has some significance to me as well.

If heâ??s given up on being able to get an sci what does that say about me? Do I have a life of pain and torment to look forward to with no relief? I certainly hope that this isnâ??t the case, itâ??s an argument between my realistic self and my "dreamer" self. Most of my thoughts are pinned on getting a new wheelchair, getting my sci, getting any job (Iâ??m currently unemployed). If you were to ask me where Iâ??ll be ten years from now, I wonâ??t be able to tell you. I could feed off to you one of my many dreams, but Iâ??m worried I donâ??t have any realistic plans. At the same time I know Iâ??ve broken the mould in terms of being realistic. Iâ??ve managed to become a full time wheeler in the space of 7 months and that wonâ??t happen for most people without moving somewhere drastically new (I didnâ??t do that). Iâ??m scared to death of what will happen to me in the future. At this point job wise Iâ??d be happy just typing 8 hours a day but I canâ??t even get a job doing that. I feel bad every time I go to the supermarket to buy food, and I spend most of my time on my own in my flat so Iâ??m not tempted to spend the money I donâ??t have. Sean and I talked about it this afternoon. He said that it isnâ??t healthy for me to spend so much time on my own on the internet, but Iâ??m tired of going out and having to lie. Itâ??s so much easier to talk to my friends on the internet who understands me.

On a different note, my legs have gotten to the point where they throw a tantrum every time I make them walk further than the bathroom (my bathroom door is too narrow to wheel in). I have to walk to see doctors and government people and my legs really feel it. One time I was walking to a seminar in the rain (the seminar was a total waste of time) and my legs were burning so badly I would have been happy stripping my pants off, sitting in a puddle and just rubbing them, it was that annoying. Thankfully I got a ride back home again, but itâ??s moments like this when I wish I had my own car (yes I know, I shouldnâ??t have crashed my pretty Subaru). Hopefully Iâ??ll have some more interesting ramblings next week to post.