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If Only for a Moment
Written by Eric on Tuesday, June 5, 2007
I have begun working all three shifts at work and along with that came new days off each week. I am attempting to get acclamated and it’s causing some changes in my sleep patterns and my lifestyle as a whole. During the last week I have spent some time wheeling at work–the worst place on earth to do this, because there’s a high possibility of being caught. I use the chair we have in a storage room here. It’s a dangerous habit that I should break, and now. I could be fired for it, but the added stress of being here all the time and in the middle of the night, in combination with not getting any sleep has created a monster. I am wheeling and feeling good, if only for a moment.
I wonder how many other people would do what I am doing (if stupidly) given the opportunity. I wonder how many people have already done it. I wonder how many people that work here harbor these feelings. Where I work they work with organizations that are designed for people living with a disability. I wonder how many people work in this field because they feel the need to be close to those living with a disability–how many of them are actually closet devotees? Can I really be the only one who walks these halls that thinks about this sort of thing? And why is it that stress in any form up’s the ante and causes me to feel more of a need to do this thing I don’t yet understand?
Meanwhile, I suppose it’s going to become a thorn in my side that I revisit regularly. That is, until I can come up with enough guts to talk about it with the ones I love. When I am under a lot of stress I dream like crazy at night. My fiancee and I are planning our wedding right now, which creates stress all by itself, and I have a lot of dreams about the wedding. It’s usually nothing fiercely horrible, it’s just there. So this dream I had the other night didn’t bother me, except that in the dream when she came walking down the aisle I looked down at myself and realized I was wheeling, tuxedo and all. I put my hands on my legs and they were lifeless, and I looked up at her and I felt frozen. She smiled and walked toward me, and when she got to me I woke up. After that I laid in bed for a while, sort of afraid to go back to sleep. Now this thing is creeping into my wedding.
I’ll admit that would be my ideal, but it’s never manifested itself in that way before. I have had dreams, but they have been repetative dreams that I have always associated with the possibility of reincarnation (another subject to examine later). But in all the dreams about the wedding, this has never happened. That moment in the dream was as gratifying as the actual wheeling I have done at work when no one was around.
It’s all very confusing and extremely powerful and I want to do it all the time. I can’t see myself wheeling full time. That would take some real maneuvering. My family has eyes and ears all over the state. I just have to make some decisions and stick to them. For now, I have those moments to hold me over until my next binge.
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6 Comments
My two cents: I think your mind is telling you in your sleep what you may fear to address in the waking world, that you need to come clean with your fiancee about your BIID. If it’s going to be an issue, better now than later, for both of you.
3 On 12 June, 2007, Claire said:
Eric, those moments will hold you over for a while. It reminds me of when I first got my own chair and I was happy just to sit in it. And then I wanted to wheel around my home office in it. And then I wanted to wheel a bit around the house with it. And then I wanted to drive to a town 2 hours away and spend 2 days in it. And then I wanted to cross the continent and spend a week in it. And then I wanted to spend a lifetime in it. It never ends. Keep writing, it helps.
4 On 18 June, 2007, Eric said:
Hi Claire. Thanks for the good word. I am still waiting to get a chair, but I have not spoken to my fiancee about it yet. I perhaps will, I perhaps won’t. I haven’t decided yet. Meanwhile, I am hurriedly trying to find a decent one that won’t cost me a couple grand… money we don’t have. I hope that I can someday find a happy medium.
5 On 18 June, 2007, Sean said:
Eric, eBay is a good source of affordable second hand chairs. I would suggest you don’t buy a brand new chair ’till you’ve spent quite some time using a “cheaper” one, so you get a feel for what your chair feels like and you can get to learn what you like/dislike and how you want a good chair to be setup.
As for talking to your fiancée, the longer you wait, the harder it’ll be. I’d certainly do it BEFORE the wedding.
6 On 18 June, 2007, Eric said:
Hi Sean. As you’re familiar, I am having some thoughts about that, and considering all the options. We have been under a lot of stress because of our move, and we are not living in an accessible place when it comes to chair use, so even if I were desiring to use one around the house, it would be difficult. We have lots of stairs. Also, it’s so stressful to move anyway, and she’s not been the nicest person to me lately–she’s feeling pretty crappy. So while the days go by and as it gets harder, I just have to wait until I can approach her without all the added stress of this move affecting everything we do. It’s been the move from hell.
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1 On 7 June, 2007, rorschach said:
I’m assuming that you work as a night watchmen of sorts? I have done similar work, and have had the same experiences with the wheelchair my job had on hand. A lot of TA people seem to, at least sometimes, have their desires aggravated by stress. Sean had an interesting blog about a therapy session which, to me at least, suggested that in some way this is, in part, a coping mechanism.
Regarding dreams…
There are many theories on the function and purpose of dreams, though no single theory is currently accepted (in America at least). One of the better backed theories suggests that one function of dreams is fantasy fulfillment.
I would posit that this is possibly what your dream was. Perhaps though you are disturbed due to your lack of familiarity with your desires. That’s my $ 0.02.