Flashbacks
Written by Sean on Sunday, August 27, 2006
For the last several nights, as I laid in bed before falling asleep, I’ve had flashbacks of the day I fell on my back. It was nearly three months ago, and it hadn’t entered my pre-sleep thoughts during that time. It now came in, and it’s leaving me feeling rather unsettled. Here I was, about to fall asleep, and I was suddenly flashing back to the moment of impact, to the short eternity of the actual fall.
And I was thinking "…there must be a way…". Yes, there must be a way to become a para that is (relatively) safe. But there isn’t, is there? 30++ years of thinking up various stupid schemes have shown there isn’t, because if there was, I’d have thought of it before this. Or perhaps I’m just stupid. Or perhaps I’m missing the obvious, like the nose in the middle of my face. I don’t know.
The thing is, I’ve started dreaming up plans again. Only there’s a difference. Whereas before I thought that I wouldn’t self-injure, I now know I won’t. Still, I plan, I plot, I think, I scheme, all in the few minutes between wake and sleep. And I have flashbacks. I should add that if an opportunity opened to have someone perform surgery on me, I would take it. Is elective surgery the same as self injury in a case like this?
And during those flashbacks that superimpose themselves over the plans, I feel the pain again, I have this image of a plan, and as it is happening, I am falling again, and landing on my back again, and in pain again, and it still goes nowhere. It’s a bit hard to describe. It certainly acts as a solid deterrent. It wasn’t pleasant. Ha! There’s an understatement.
Caption: It feels like my brain is
going round and round.
Yet, as painful as it was, and as close as I came without actually being able to taste it, it hasn’t cured me. I am still transabled (One might ask, would I not still be transabled after achieving paralysis? Is a post-operative transexual not a transexual anymore?) As much pain as I went through, I know it’s probably a fraction of what it would be like if I was to get a spinal cord injury. Yet, I would consider it a small price to finally achieve paralysis.
Of course, I’m also aware that getting to where I need to be might just be anti-climactic, and turn out not to be what I expected. In fact, I’m convinced it won’t be like I envision. Nothing ever is. Discussions with a "half realised" amputee wannabe (she lost one leg but wants to be a DAK amputee) tell me that even if different, it would not be bad. It would in fact be positive.
As positive as it would be, I am left with trying to catch smoke between my clumsy fingers. I can see it, I can taste it, but it dances away mockingly, not to be captured, a seemingly unattainable goal. It feels like going around in circles, not getting anywhere, thinking the same things, over and over again. My brain is stuck in a rut, and I don’t know what will get it going again.
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5 Comments
2 On 30 August, 2006, Sean said:
Renee, I’m glad to see you’re still around, I thought you’d fallen off the face of the earth. I guess you’d just gotten tired of me instead :)
Couple things: The reason you mention is not the only reason your method isn’t possible/practical for me. Not by far. There’s the matter of relationship. There’s the fact that even if you were able to do it alone, I know I wouldn’t. And many more. I might even write an entire post about it.
As for my “whining”, I was going to say I was sorry it annoyed you. But in fact, I’m not. This site is my journal (and a few other contributor’s). I write for myself as much, if not more, than for others. It appears that many people find what I say, and how I say it, of positive value to them (according to the emails I regularly receive). So if my writing annoys you, the simple solution is, don’t load up transabled.org in your web browser.
I apologise if this question has been addressed before, and I do not wish to sound trite or condescending, but here goes: have you ever been on/tried medications such as anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications? I just wonder if it could relieve some of your stress and/or emotional suffering regarding your desires. I know that many people who deal with “transabilities” feel guilt or shame about it, and I feel for anyone who suffers this way. (Personally, I wish the world were more understanding of people “like you” as I feel most of the guilt probably stems from society’s disapproval. As if it’s any of society’s business…)I have no idea if medications would help you, I just wonder if meds would at least calm the obsessive thoughts somewhat. I only ask this because I know they have helped me, but I have not experienced the same desires that you have. (I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder w/OCD components, just for the record.)Anyway, that’s my question. And again, please don’t think that I’m trying to “cure” you or that I have any ill-intentions whatsoever. It’s just basic human curiosity.
4 On 31 August, 2006, Sean said:
Hello Elizabeth, Thank you for your question, it isn’t condescending or trite. It has, in fact, often been asked and I’ve discussed these issues on a semi regular basis here. I’ll make a more detailed post that I’ll post in the “Don’t Miss” soon (running late for work now). But to quickly address your question, yes, I’ve done both drugs and therapy, several variations, to no noticable success. :(
5 On 29 January, 2007, Marie said:
You wrote: The thing is, I’ve started dreaming up plans again. Only there’s a difference. Whereas before I thought that I wouldn’t self-injure, I now know I won’t. Still, I plan, I plot, I think, I scheme, all in the few minutes between wake and sleep.
…
During my more suicidal times I planned many methods of ending my life. I don’t think I would ever but the act of /having a plan/, even if it wouldn’t be used was very comforting.
And on the topic of whether or not a transsexual is still a transsexual postoperatively: They are. They are incapable of reproduction in their gender and their chromosones are still mismatched. Surgery helps immensely but it isn’t a cure-all. I don’t know if this applies to transabled persons due to the nature of the dysphorias.
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1 On 30 August, 2006, renee said:
Sean, I’ve already told you several times how to acomplish what you want. My method is by far the safest anf surest way to get what you want. I know that your concern is that you state-provided medical insurance wouldn’t cover a spinal injury of that type, but perhaps you should ask yourself if you really think you are entitled to insurance coverage for a disability you voluntarily acquire. If your answer to that question is yes, then instead of your constant whining about the situation, you should take more proactive steps to achieve your goal. Move to a different country where state-provided insurance would cover you. If it’s really that important to you, you should be willing to do almost anything right? I mean, you’ve already shown that you’re willing to do something definately life-threatening in an attempt to break your back. Just stop with the whining about it. It’s old and tired. Yes everyone knows that this causes you great emotional pain, and lots of people have emotional pain from lots of different things. The ones who overcome it are the ones who take the necessary steps to do so, whatever they may be… even if that means moving to a different place.