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Emotions
Written by Dan on Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Here is an idea I have only recently been able to express. I have mentioned that my wish to be one-legged is strongest when I am very unhappy OR when I am very happy.
The need is least when I am driving or flying. At these times my mind is occupied but I do not feel any particular emotion.
If I am depressed I need my leg off really badly. The fact that the leg isn’t off increases the need, which increases the depression in a downhill spiral.
When I was taking Ritalin I felt happy but I needed my leg off in the worst way. This started an uphill spiral that could only end by stopping the medication or by getting rid of the leg. My wife says that was the only time I seemed normal to her. My take on that is the only way I can be normal for any length of time is as an amputee.
The last few days before I came home I was eager to come home. The BIID became strong again.
My synthesis of this is that whenever I have any kind of emotion, I want to be an amputee and start obsessing about it. Perhaps the only way I have been able to reduce the impact of BIID is to close myself off from all feelings.
I believe that once my leg is off I won’t have to hide from my emotions any more. This could be why a BIID sufferer feels whole after amputation.
Has anyone else noticed the connection between strong emotions and BIID?
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2 Comments
I have no connection between emotions and me needing to be a AK amputee. BIID is always there for me, regardless of how I feel. I look forward to pretending when I come home each day. It is a great outlet, I look forward to it and pretending does make me quite happy. When I do pretend, I just wish the damn leg was gone. I love using my crutches, seeing my one legged shadow on the floor or wall. Just being the way I need to be, even for a relatively short period (when compared to a lifetime) refreshes me, it is a tonic, better than any massage or hot shower. I wish it was real, that I did not have to pretend. Pretending does bring out the best in me. I have been pretending regularly now for about 4 months, and I feel great.
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1 On 31 July, 2007, Claire said:
Yes, and no. I can have strong emotions without BIID playing into it. And my BIID can be very strong without me feeling any other emotion in particular. But there are times when BIID seems to ride on the coattails of a strong emotion as well, and, surprisingly, this goes for both positive and negative emotions. It feels like there is a link there, but not a direct one.