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Elusive Acceptance
Written by Claire on Friday, December 22, 2006
I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself. Not constantly, but from time to time I get frustrated, feeling trapped, like there’s no way out. And then I feel sorry for myself, until something happens to jog me out of it. I wonder what it will take to jog me out of it, permanently.
Sometimes I wander if what it will take to end this emotional roller coaster ride is to fully accept my transability. I think I’m on my way to that. I am transabled. What I am not, is paraplegic. Perhaps it’s like this: just at the paraplegic must accept that he will never walk again, so I must accept that I will never be paraplegic. Perhaps if I could do that, life would be easier. Maybe it will come, in time. Or maybe not…
My cousin who was a paraplegic didn’t obsess about walking again like I obsess about becoming a paraplegic. Does the paraplegic ever really give up hope? Probably not; my cousin didn’t. After more than 20 years in a chair, one of our last discussions was about stem cell research. One could also argue that acceptance doesn’t mean giving up hope. Can you simultaneously accept that you’ll never walk again, and yet hope that you will? But where do you draw the line between the two?
BIID is a mental illness; paraplegia isn’t. Could it possibly be harder for a transabled person to give up the dream of paraplegia, than it is for a paraplegic to give up the dream of walking? I wonder if that could be true, for the simple reason that, generally speaking, a paraplegic is mentally healthy, and we are not? In us, the desire for disability is a pathological obsession. In them, the desire to walk is just…normal. And so, could it be that we have a harder time letting go than someone who is mentally stable?
Or perhaps it’s just that it’s far easier to cause an SCI than it is to cure one. It’s physically impossible for them to walk again, but it’s not impossible for us to get an SCI. A paraplegic might find acceptance easier, or faster, because, while there is hope, it’s still far away. Whereas a transabled person knows that it’s possible…right now…to cause an SCI, quickly and simply, if only a doctor would agree to do it. So it’s always just out of reach. Tantalizing us…
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1 On 14 January, 2007, oophodae said:
“Perhaps it’s like this: just at the paraplegic must accept that he will never walk again, so I must accept that I will never be paraplegic.”
At first this sounds very reasonable but at a closer look it is not plausible. Why? A paraplegic has no chance for cure, whereas you CAN become paraplegic. Why torture yourself if you can change your situation. The paraplegic CANNOT change his situation, you CAN. So, why accept “you will never be paraplegic”? This simply means you are not willing to change your situation, you chose to stay being a wannabe. Again, you have the chance to become paraplegic, so no need for you to accept your situation, a paraplegic would be happy if he/she ever had such a chance. It may harder for us, but we have the chance to change our situation, if we don´t it´s our fault. That´s my oppionion at last, though I have to honour of course becoming paraplegic is much harder than having an amputation.