Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Edge of Oblivion
Edge of Oblivion
Written by Dante on Saturday, April 5, 2008
I am here as someone, with the aid of another, who has come to discover that I am affected by BIID, a term that I never knew existed until recently.
I had for many years prior to finding a proper name had the seeming need to be deaf. I don’t know where it came from or definitively why…I just felt that way and have been for years. Logic points to my experiences with other persons that are deaf/Deaf, and also a family member that worked in an educational establishment with deaf/Deaf children as potential triggers for this need to exist. I couldn’t tell you if that is true or not, the need is so much more primal, in my opinion.
Why I have come to share, is because I really have finally decided that I ‘have it’. Like some, I did the typical thing and denied it. I locked that beast in a cage and hoped to avoid it. That beast however would not remain placid – instead I was constantly reminded how it was locked up, trying to escape and consume me…a few times when I have been weak, it almost has.
The other person who encouraged me to share was also the catalyst for my acceptance (or at least acknowledgement) that I am affected with BIID. When I realized that I had endured similar times of desperation, and had thought of doing things that this person also needed to do, I realized I was ‘one of them’. I’m not sure what to make of it, personally yet – the acceptance is still very recent.
The kinds of things I was thinking, are apparently things that others with BIID have thought and acted upon; self-injury a big one. Unfortunately, it isn’t one of those things you can just think of, snap your fingers and it is done. I know that there are other needs, and often those have logical methods of achieving those needs; amputation, chemical paralysis, or at least ‘pretending’. I’ve not had (or at least taken) the opportunity to do that – It’s quite difficult (at least it is in my opinion) to ‘pretend’ deaf/Deaf…and I don’t know of any reliable way without grave and additional consequences to disable my hearing. Sound exists independent of my existence and I don’t have the ‘mute’ button.
There is irony in it all, that I actually have legitimate hearing loss that is of no cause of my own…and even greater irony that I fear the potential progressing effects of this hearing loss. Sounds like I don’t suffer from BIID, then, right? I wish it was only that simple. Really there is a duel waged within me – on one shoulder the angel screams “No!” to the ‘unnatural’ thoughts of needing deafness, and is what makes me fear the hearing loss I have – it is instinct and the pressures of society. Then, on the other shoulder, the serpentine daemon hisses “Yes…” tempting me to give into the beast – the other half that longs to fit in my own body correctly.
There have been times, when I have seen an opportunity, where I could suffer from a convenient ‘accident’, and I would think “That would be great, it would be done, and everything would be all right.” It’s only at the brink on the edge of oblivion that the angel pulls me away and keeps me from doing something impulsively that could end up making me regret doing it. Hearing about a person that tried to acquire their need only has frightened me even more; not knowing whether in the future I’ll be able to stop myself, or be consumed in the chaos of the aftermath.
I have unlocked the cage, let the beast out, and now we duel. I don’t know who will win…
Vote if you like
this post.0
Vote
This entry appears in Dante's Thoughts, Other's Thoughts, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You may have your say, or trackback from your own site.
4 Comments
2 On 5 April, 2008, Marie said:
Welcome to posting Dante. If you want to increase the amount of loss you have temporarily you can try to take a bit of cotton (from a cotton ball), oil it up and use tweezers to lodge it flushly against the eardrum. Just be careful (ha ha). It is good for a quiet night’s sleep to shut out the blasted noise or it’s good to simulate moderate-severe deafness (depending on the seal).
Good luck.
Expanding on what Marie said, another option (one I used while I was still losing my hearing and trying to learn to get around without it)is silicone putty. Inserted as instructed, ie not in the ear but over it, produces low-level db loss. However, if you shape it not unlike your earmolds (if you wear HAs), by first rolling it into a tube, pulling your ear up and inserting about 1/4th of the tube, and flattening the rest to mold around your ear you’ll find it seals a great deal better- just don’t make the part in your ear too thin, else it may be a challenge to remove.
4 On 6 April, 2008, Claire said:
Hello Dante and welcome!
I have found that “acceptance” is a tenuous thing. I often look at where this has led my life and I wonder “What am I doing here??” I sometimes consider giving it all up (by this, I mean giving up using my chair), as if by doing that, the BIID would go away. I even wonder if I **really** have BIID, after all this time, even though my experience is classic, it goes back to my early childhood, and neurological examination at the San Diego study has confirmed it. It’s somewhat surreal.
I am just wondering though…what really does *knowing* we have BIID really do for us? It gives us access to a community, which can be wonderful. It also allows us to take part in studies (which I hope you will do, hint hint) that may get us closer to a cure. Those are the only two benefits of knowing and accepting that I can think of!
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2008 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 5 April, 2008, Sean said:
Thanks for sharing that with us Dante. Learning that these thoughts and feelings are an actual real condition is both such a relief and such a worry. It trully is the source of mixed feelings and I think your description is more than apt. I look forward to hearing more from you.