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E-mail to a young transabled person
Written by Claire on Saturday, August 4, 2007
A few days ago I received a nice e-mail from a young person who is just starting to figure out that they are transabled. My young friend asked some common yet difficult questions: why do I feel like this, what do I do about it, and is it wrong? I like hearing from people, and I thought I’d post my response to them here.
Dear friend,
It’s nice to hear from you. I’m 37 now, but when I was your age, the Internet was in its infancy, I hadn’t discovered it yet, and I thought I was the only person in the entire world to want to be a para and to dream about wheeling around shopping malls. I never had the guts to do it at the time though, because I had never heard of anyone else doing such a strange thing. It took me 16 more years before I finally did it. Now I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time.
I won’t beat around the bush with you. I very firmly believe that the best way to deal with this issue is to look it full in the face, even if it’s not very pleasant. The desire to have a physical impairment is called Body Integrity Identity Disorder, or BIID. You probably know this already. BIID is a mental illness. I’ll qualify that by saying that having a mental illness doesn’t mean that you’re crazy and it doesn’t have to be as bad as it sounds, and that there’s a good possibility that it’s neurological rather than psychological. It might be good for you to read Sean’s post on BIID as a mental illness.
So, if you look on BIID as a mental illness, then pretending is therapy. Not only is pretending therapy to help deal with symptoms of BIID, it’s actually just about the only therapy to treat BIID that’s ever been discovered. (read Pretending: Therapy prescribed by a psychologist)
So, is pretending wrong? I think it can be, if you don’t put a lot of thought into what you’re doing. Remember that you are representing the disabled community, so we are obligated to represent them well, and make sure that we never do anything to make things more difficult for the next wheeler to come along. But if you make that your golden rule, then you have every right to engage in pretending in order to manage this strange, misunderstood, little known mental illness that is BIID. It’s no more wrong to use a wheelchair to manage BIID feelings than it is to take Tylenol for a headache. Where that analogy fails, though, is that pretending can be addictive. Once you start, you’ll want more and more. Before you start, know that and figure out how you’ll deal with that when it happens. I still don’t really have any answers regarding that, I’m still figuring it out myself.
There is nothing "simple" about BIID. It seems like it’s all complicated. We’re kind of in a "damned if you do damned if you don’t" situation. If you feel better wheeling, then allow yourself to wheel from time to time. I’m not sure where you are, but the odds are you’re within a couple hours driving distance of a town where no one knows you. That’s a good place to start. Another thing that really helps is to simply talk about it, and write about it, and exchange with others who understand how you feel.
Best regards,
Claire
In hindsight there are a few more things I would have said. The first would have been not to use their real name on the Internet, not to me, or to anybody, in connection with BIID and pretending. I also ought to have recommended they see a therapist about this, but I’m of two minds about that. A therapist is unlikely to have ever heard of BIID and could draw some wrong conclusions about it. On the other hand, a good therapist can help you deal with some of the baggage that goes along with BIID such as depression or anxiety. I might have also suggested they do some research into disabilities and the reality of disability, including spending some time with disabled people.
What would you tell a young transabled person who is just discovering who they are, if they asked you?
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10 Comments
To clarify the above, I’m just not sure how we can say that there is a good possibility that it is neurological (in origin at least). It seems to me that there is a possibility, but what makes it more probable than others doesn’t quite make sense to me.
3 On 11 August, 2007, Claire said:
Hey Rorschach, glad to see you back my friend. :o)
The reason I say there’s a good possibility is because I was studied by a neurologist who is studying this condition and he told me that. If anyone would know, he would.
And saying “a good possibility” is far from saying it’s proven. Just that, there is a likelihood that it may be that.
You used the phrase “young person”, I am assuming that this individual is teenaged. A lot of the contributors to this site remark that there is a sexual element to pretending. I am curious, is this young person realy transabled or are they discovering a sexual connection to disability?
I think that needs to be explored before this individual makes any conclusion about him/herself.
5 On 17 August, 2007, Claire said:
Hey Ronald,
That’s an excellent point. No, this person was out of their teens, thank God. The prospect of guiding teenagers frankly scares me, if only because they are so young and confused and impressionable, and I would hate to be the source of bad advice for them. I think any contact with teens must be approached with GREAT caution. There’s a whole lot I could say about that but perhaps I’ll leave it for another post.
But your point about sexual attraction is an excellent one. And that’s something that also needs to be explored in depth. We tend to downplay the sexual aspect of BIID on this site because it’s not something that’s an issue with most of the bloggers here, but I know that it *IS* a big issue with some people. I am a bit reticent to tackle that because usually if you bring up the sexual aspect then certain people classify BIID as a paraphilia which it clearly is not: many of us have the desire without any sexual element. I didn’t even think to ask the person about that but in the future it will be something to consider. Thanks.
What I have learned through this website is that the desire to have a disabilty although starting during the preteen years does tend to gel around puberty. I think this tends to get woven into sexuality as one starts to develop/experiment with their adult personality. I feel that there is a great difference between a paraphilia and BIID ( one of the great lessons from this site). As we mature into our adult years it appears that the two are separated.
As adults, I feel there is nothing wrong with integrating our desired disability into our intimacy. If it is not the focal point of the experience, what is the problem?(assuming one is blessed with an understanding partner) Should one be able to obtain their desired condition, intimacy will still continue, so why not experience intimacy in the “practice stage”.
My point being that adolescents may not be able to make the distinction and the pretending becomes the focal point of a pleasureable experience making it all too easy (desireable) to claim BIID.
So as Claire says, be careful when dealing with children.
That’s quite an interesting idea Ronald. I’ve been coming around to that idea as of late.
9 On 10 September, 2007, therapy for anxiety and depression said:
therapy for anxiety and depression…
…
i am a teenager and i don’t see any sexual aspect in it for me. not that i have done much in that aspect of life, but i want to experience it (romance stuff) with all of my body and i don’t want any relationship i will have to be made uncomfortble by the other person being made to feel wierd around a wheelchair. so i’m keeping “nicola” away from my “real” life.
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1 On 10 August, 2007, Rorschach said:
I’d direct them here, and let them know that they are not alone. I’d also tentatively recommend seeing a therapist.
In regards to your letter though, I don’t know that it has been proven yet that BIID is neurological. At least I don’t recall that. I remember that what’s his name is doing experiments looking at this but that is all that I am aware of.