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Disapointment with my father
Written by Sean on Sunday, January 20, 2008
I don’t know if disapointment is quite the right word. There’s a mixture of anger, and disapointment, and also feeling let down. Yes, feeling let down. He’s known about my need to be paraplegic for 20 years now. I thought we were finally on the right track, with him not necessarily understanding, but with at least a "live and let live" approach. Recent communications have shown otherwise.
It’s not been easy, over the years. In fact, I’ve made it a point of never talking to him about anything related to Body Integrity Identity Disorder. He loves me, of that I have no doubt. But he doesn’t get it at all. Several years ago, I remember a conversation on the phone, where he said "but you’re crazy". And I answered "so what?". Indeed, so-fucking-what? On and off, we’ve broached the subject of BIID. Never really went anywhere with it. He’s told me he wishes I stopped having these fantasies of paraplegia. I’ve told him I wished it were that easy.
A few months ago, I told him how much it hurt that I could not tell him about what was going in my life most of the time, because it’s mostly wheelchair related. I couldn’t tell him about the good things going on, or the annoying events happening. And he said that I should always feel free to tell him. That he’d listen. And I guess he has, but my expectations were different.
More recently, I mentionned to him a hypothetic opportunity of getting the surgery I need. He responded, quite angry, that if that happened, he would not rest until he found the surgeon who did this to me and would make sure he was prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and if the law didn’t do anything, he would. And right there, I saw just exactly how little he understands, despite having made so many noises that he did, that he wanted to listen, etc.
He told me that instead of focusing on surgery I would be better off to just think of the good things. That I should aim towards positive people, towards health and beauty, instead of unhappiness. At the very basis, this shows me he has fundamental problems with paraplegia itself as an impairment. He perceives it to be something negative, per se. That is his bias, which makes it impossible for him to accept. He suggested trying to get cured, to "seek help".
And that really got me angry. Very angry. It’s as if he had not listened to a thing I said over the years. I *have* sought help. But they can’t help me. He said that perhaps I should have seen psychiatrists instead of psychologists, not picking up on the fact that I HAVE! He’s obviously ignoring my telling him about being in contact with Dr. First. So, it’s not a therapy relationship, but if a leading psychiatrist conducts studies and shows that BIID isn’t treatable, well, perhaps, just perhaps, my father could listen. But no. Psychiatry can "cure" everything, and paraplegia is a negative faith, worse than death, I know, I’ve heard it all before.
And I guess that’s one of the things that hurt most, where I feel really let down. I’ve said all that to him before. I have taken the time to explain, over and over, about all these things. And it was as if he got it. He made the right noises. But in the end, he didn’t listen. He said things to me that hurt when perfect strangers that don’t know me say them. But he’s not a stranger, he’s my father, and I’ve made a point of telling him about it.
I told him I wasn’t ready to speak about it anymore. No point talking to a brick wall, is there?
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8 Comments
But…if you never come to an understanding, or indeed if you have to cut ties, recognize that it’s your life and not his, and that it’s his problem and not yours. This is hard stuff, but there are times when one has to make difficult decisions in the interest of keeping sanity and living life in some measure of peace. You are an adult, you don’t need his permission to take care of your problems.
3 On 21 January, 2008, Sean said:
No Brice, I don’t need his permission. I’ve abandonned that illusion a long time ago. What really hits though is that he made the right noises that he was interested in hearing about his son’s life, when in the end, he just wants to hear what he wants to hear.
Since that is so, and it does seem to be so, why maintain contact with someone with whom you can discuss nothing much more significant than the weather? Yes, he happens to be your father, and the biological tug will always be there, but it’s evident he will never be your friend.
5 On 22 January, 2008, Sean said:
Brice, three words: “Hope springs eternal” :)
In my opinion, it is wrong to tell anyone except your partner about BIID. It is clear that there isn’t a simple understanding of it by those who don’t experience it, thus why torture them with that burden. Unlike GID, no one ever has to know about BIID except your spouse. When it comes to partners, I think it is best to have dealt with BIID issues before committed relationships. However, this not being a perfect world, I haven’t and others find themselves in this difficult situation as well.
Jake, a good point. However, if you show up at a family function in a chair, you can be pretty sure some questions will be asked.
I admire Sean for telling his dad. I’m sorry for the pain he’s going through and hope eventually his dad will accept him as Sean seems to have accepted his dad.
I think your dad means well, which being an issue in its own, is a start.
Maybe what really confused him was your reaction to his suggestion of you being crazy. My guess is he may have assumed that by accepting it as such, he thought you were approaching BIID differently.
I don’t think he will ever understand the need to become disabled. He most likely sees it as a negative thing simply because of its meaning. If you lack ability, he may be afraid that you’ll lose something from life.
If you ever get your surgery, kudos on being brave and achieving your dream. Hopefully then he’ll see how happy it’s made you, and while literally imparing you physically, it may heal you mentally. And mentallity is so much more important than the health of our bodies, because that’s all we really have.
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1 On 21 January, 2008, Jen said:
I sympathize.
For years, after deciding I would no longer be my mother’s “parent” (making sure she had dr’s appts, making sure she went, that she ate, etc etc when she was perfectly capable of doing these things herself), my mother still insisted she heard me say that she was not my mother.
It was pointless to try to tell her that wasn’t what I said. The damage she did when lashing out about it was so severe that I made sure I was never again left alone in a room with her. And I’m sorry to say this, but it was a relief when she died.
I hope you and your dad can come to some understanding.