Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Depression and transability
Depression and transability
Written by John on Friday, February 9, 2007
Sean said:
From posts here and elsewhere, it would appear that many of us transabled have had to deal with depression. Me as well.
Without going into personal detail, I have had to deal with depression for years. This has not been much fun but in somewhat more recent times things have gotten considerably better for me partly because I am using an effective antidepressant. While I still have some aspects of depression to deal with I no longer am likely to see almost any stressful situation pessimistically and full of doom and gloom. My depression does have some relationship or impact to my transabled side:
First, depression is a challenge or sort of disability that I have to live and deal with that isn’t at all what I want (which is to become a paraplegic). My personal response to this is probably more like that of a “normal” person. The point I am trying to make is that BIID/transabled folks aren’t just hunting for some affliction so that we can suffer. Rather, it confirms, for me, that my desire to be a paraplegic has something to do with internal identity and not some masochistic need to suffer.
Secondly, dealing with depression hasn’t had any effect whatsoever on my transabled desires. In fact, they have become stronger the better I get. Thus, BIID isn’t something my antidepressant treats. Instead, because I am dealing with my problems much more effectively my mind is probably freer and less preoccupied with doom and gloom, giving more mental time or opportunity to dwell on what I want and what I am not likely to get (a spinal cord injury).
Hey, this might be a treatment for us: get more depressed. That really won’t work because depression makes my life so much more difficult that I would choose to be less depressed even though more frustrated with BIID. However, it does make one wonder if the efforts of the medical community to treat BIID cases as if they are more conventional mental or emotional disorders might not be terribly effective in the long run.
Finally, BIID does impact my depression in one way; the frustration of dealing with this isn’t easy and it probably contributes to the remaining areas that I still have to handle.
This entry appears in John's Thoughts, Other's Thoughts, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You may have your say, or trackback from your own site.
4 Comments
These are very interesting comments. I find that my Biid appears to increase in intensity the more severe my depression becomes. I found that a wheelchair or crutches seemed to help me relieve my depressive state. Don’t know if I’ll ever really understand all this.
Claire and Ian, thanks for the comments. In my case, when really depressed, I just can’t think of any thing else other than how depressed I am at the moment. Glad that using a wheelchair helps you (Ian) out of a depressive state! I sure hope that it continues to work for you.
The understanding that I get from all of this is that depression and BIID are both more complex than we tend to think. Judging from Claire’s recent post on devotee reactions to a video of a pretender, it is probably a good idea to broaden our perspectives.
Ever since I was 10 years old I have wanted to have ‘polio’ it was my lifes dream to wear leg braces and be paralyzed. With ‘polio’ the advantage is one can still enjoy sex..and be semi-independant if the Polio isn’t to severe ! Now a days I ‘often’ read that a people want to be totally ‘paralyzed’ ? They think its cool to Stick catherdars into themselves and wear diapers ..for pretending purposes .I mean I don’t want to judge..but it hurts like hell to stick a cathader into someone who isn’t really paralyzed !
To me it wouldn’t be so great to not be able to use the toliet by myself..
I came to this conclusion..As-I used to take care of a very severly crippled man (for a few years)..and the worst part of my job was taking him to the bathroom ! The other thing was that he was always very depresed about not being able to have sex..then there were pressure sores ..which can end up killing you if you stay glued to your wheelchair all day long ! (Pressure sores killed the former ’superman’ ) So often I find many wannabes desires going beyond common sense..
I then later worked in a hospital..taking care of people who were unable to use the bathroom . Often in the morning I found many patients with sheets soaked in Urine and Feces..its was horrible !
I had to get them up out of bed–when they were smelling really awful..and take them one by one for a shower.
It took about 20-30 minutes to get one of them cleaned up..next there were a few others who had to wait thier turn !
Also..I worked in a few places where there were not enough staff ..causing many back ups and delays ! So before you ‘paralyze’ yourself..think how this would be to lie in your own excretment ..having to wait for a few hours to have help getting cleaned up ?
In the meantime..I have ofter wondered why I still like leg braces so much and sought out ways to wear them ?I ask..?
How can one become paralyzed in a limited way ..so that ones legs are paralyzed..but every other body function is OK ?
I wear leg braces for the past 5 years..its helps my BIID comsiderably ..and has reduced my strange need to paralyze myself.
I still imagine what it would be like to be really paralyzed..and this is all very sexual ? I have been doing this for over 40 years now .
There are times when my rational mind ..says ”hey” enough wouldn’t it be great to get rid of my leg braces ?
How about getting help ?
Yet always the next day comes .. I find myself eagerly starpping my legs back into my hkafos..the cycle is endless !
I have learned not to fight aganist my BIID self ..as the part that wants to be free of leg braces..has to live with the part of me that think it needs to be ‘paralyzed’
In this way I have found some peace of mind..by pretending .
I hope others can learn from this and try to accept thier BIID ..so that it doesn’t lead to anything irrational or dangerous !
Also..just go into some rest home sometime..or do some care taking work for someone who was in a horrible accident..and its totally parlyzed !
Try and work with people who can’t use the toliet..for a few months..see thier day to day problems ..and be around when they crap or ‘P’ all over themselves..
Then tell me you still want to be paralyzed ?
Anyway..I find that most wannabes..and some avoid looking at this angle ..and take the plunge into insanity !
If this is happiness..then maybe I don’t want to be happy ?
Either way its bound to be confusing ..
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2008 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 9 February, 2007, Claire said:
Those are all good points, John. What particularly hit me is the idea that having other health problems doesn’t get rid of our desire for a very particular impairment. I myself actually have a real disability that doesn’t affect my mobility, but that has no impact, either positive or negative, on my BIID and desire for paraplegia.