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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Sophie's Thoughts / Decisions, decisions, decisionsâ?¦

Decisions, decisions, decisionsâ?¦

Written by Sophie on Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Iâ??m trying to decide what to do with my life. All Iâ??ve ever wanted is an sci, itâ??s all I can think about, it consumes most of my thoughts. The rest of my thoughts consist of what I can do in the meantime in terms of living full time in a chair. I donâ??t have that many desires beyond my thoughts of wheelchairs.

For the last few months Iâ??ve been desperately trying to find a job. I apply for every single job advert I find, Iâ??ve been emailing, ringing, going into different companies. Even before I say anything about wheelchairs I get a "Iâ??m sorry we gave the position to someone else, good luck with the future" message. People say I donâ??t have enough experience for the position. How am I meant to get a job if no one will give me experience? I have no problems learning these things; I pick things up relatively quickly. How can I get experience? So my thoughts turned to returning to study.

My last attempt to study ended disastrously. I had a landlady who was harassing and mentally abusing me, I was deep into depression and would not admit it. My parents literally had to rescue me from this situation. Thinking about trying again is a big deal. What if it all ends as badly the next time? What if the flat I move into is just as bad? I donâ??t know if I can take the risk. It is a risk I may have to take. But then I have bills that need to be paid before I can study. How can I pay these bills if no one will give me a job? Iâ??m getting just enough money to pay my weekly rent, power etc. I can only afford to eat one meal each day. My parents are buying me bits of meat. I go home some weekends simply so I donâ??t have to think about trying to find something to eat. Ordinarily I canâ??t afford to spend so much time around my family considering our rocky history, but I donâ??t have a choice. Whatâ??s more, every time I go home I have to listen to "what are you doing to find a job?"

Iâ??ve been thinking about doing Occupational Therapy. The next course doesnâ??t start until next year and you can only do it at 2 places in New Zealand, and they arenâ??t in the city where I live now. I donâ??t think extramural study is an option; I canâ??t afford to live where I am as a student. I could just do a computer course here and get that "desk job" but which would I be happiest doing? Moving somewhere else would mean I would be able to turn up as a full time wheeler but so far accommodation options all seem so expensive. Of course choosing to study would mean I would no longer have the option of saving for a brand new wheelchair, which is something I feel I need if I am going to wheel full time. There is no way I would be able to afford to go to the US for the camp I am organizing either if I chose to study. But then if I chose not to study would finding a job be any easier? Like Sean said to me Iâ??m stuck between a rock and a hard place.