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Dan’s Resolution
Written by Dan on Monday, July 30, 2007
I am still on the road and rarely get online. Now I am at an Iowa rest stop where they have Wi-Fi access. I hope this becomes more widely available.
I realized that I was completely stuck, not knowing where to go or what to do. How long should I keep this truck driving job? Can I stand not having my leg off? Will it become so overwhelming that I will do it on the spur of the moment, as I am often tempted when near a railroad track? Will I have to leave my wife after having my leg off? If I leave her before having my leg off, will I still need it so badly?
I love my wife and we have had a lot of good times together. The best time in my life was when we vacationed in the Caribbean, just after I had broken my leg. The only imperfactions were that the leg was still attached, and that she was so disgusted with me for enjoying being on one leg.
I am willing to put up with a lot for her sake, but sometimes this BIID is more than I can live with. She has a terrible habit of taking out her own problems on me by tearing me down emotionally. This triggers my BIID big time. She has been totally unable to understand that this is a problem or to change her behavior.
I have made myself some promises to try to put some order into my life.
I will not force an amputation myself.
I will keep this truck driving job at least until the end of this year. This decision is forced because there is no other way I can get health insurance for my family. I like the job but the rest of my life is totally on hold and I can’t put up with that for an unlimited time.
I will work with a therapist on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have a bad case of it, from living my childhood in terror of bullies and from repeated bullying in the workplace, and from abuse by the legal system. This is all tied together because once you have PTSD, bullies everywhere seek you out and you are unable to defend yourself. I do not think that PTSD is the cause of BIID, but I cannot live with the stress of both these things at once.
I will see a family counselor with my wife in hopes that she can learn other ways to relieve her frustration besides tearing me down emotionally and triggering a BIID attack. My wife has agreed to do this although she is resentful and thinks all the problems are mine.
If the marriage breaks up, I will wait two months to see if BIID is reduced. If it isn’t, I will become an amputee as soon as possible.
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4 Comments
2 On 30 July, 2007, Sophie said:
hope it all works out for the better for you, it’s never easy to try and put away one problem for the sake of another.
Wow, you my sincere condolences, that is a lot of heavy stuff to deal with. I don’t know what I can do to convince you not to self injure. If you do, for god’s sake don’t do it at the train tracks. Try and do it in the most sanitary and controlled way you can. It’s quite easy for something like this to backfire.
I wish the best of luck and hope that you can persevere through whatever life may throw at you in the future.
Oh, and don’t worry about the Wi-Fi that is becoming widely available much more quickly.
4 On 31 July, 2007, Claire said:
She has a terrible habit of taking out her own problems on me by tearing me down emotionally. This triggers my BIID big time.
I am exactly the same way. My husband and I have recently started couples’ therapy and it has helped in many ways. We have a long way to go, but so far it’s been good.
I’ve also been seeing a therapist on working out other issues aside from the BIID in the hopes of improving my overall quality of life. It seems to be helping, only very slowly.
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1 On 30 July, 2007, jen said:
I think these are well-reasoned resolutions. Having had PTSD myself, I know the terrible strain it puts you under. Kudos to you for going to see a counselor.
Perhaps your wife feels threatened when your BIID ‘acts up’. Maybe she feels like she’ll be abandoned, that the focus of the relationship will be on you, not her? Just some armchair psychologizing.
Best of luck to you. Strength and patience, too.