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Compass Pointing South
Written by Dante on Tuesday, April 8, 2008
So I’ve finally told myself the truth and understand (well a little bit at least) that I’m affected by BIID. The truth…it is usually a wonderful thing. Speaking the truth allows us to trust one another and allows modern-day society to function. Some people say, it will ‘set you free’ as well. I’d like to smack that person upside the head.
Truth is fast becoming a dwindling resource much as oil supplies. Lying is not looked upon as necessarily a great evil, and those who do for their own gain often go unpunished when others suffer for it.
I am generally an honest person, while I may not always be direct about the truth (some times just call for tact); I’m not one to lie. Perhaps it is a strand of honour within my DNA that I have little choice but to obey. Many people lie all of the time, for things so trivial (like not admitting you forgot something while out doing errands).
Unfortunately, BIID forces my hand. Beside those of you that have read my introduction, and one other person, no one else knows of this struggle I face. My family knows nothing…every time I see them, am I lying, playing the role they expect, when I’m so different from how they have grown to perceive me? My friends also know nothing as well. While difficult at times (a natural instinct to just tell someone overrides the fear of the result at certain moments.), I’ve been able to conceal this secret from them for years and over time it has become somewhat bearable to shield them from that truth…wait, truth can be bad…?
I’ve been able to keep the secret from family and friends…but there is an unfortunate complication with someone else. I am involved in a relationship that began in October (2007). It is a relationship that has evolved over the course of months, and with this person I am able to talk about many things I would never tell others I know, not even my family. Still, I don’t have the courage (or reassurances) to share about BIID. While this person hasn’t asked about it (probably doesn’t know what it is), by not telling the person, am I not in some fashion lying? I feel like Mr. Nicholson in the film: A Few Good Men. People want to hear the truth, but all I can say is you can’t handle the truth. The person believes what I am like now is the person I really am; I am not. I respect this person so much, but am serving disrespect for keeping this secret…
…how do I live a lie?
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2 Comments
2 On 8 April, 2008, Claire said:
I have agonized much over this myself. My way to live a lie is to make it the truth, or as close to the truth as I possibly can. I cannot tell the full truth (to most people) because most people do not understand this and their negative attitudes cause me a lot of anxiety. And it is also none of their business. So over time I’ve come to a kind of compromise where what I say is the truth, and yet the way I say it lets them come to their own conclusion about what I mean about it. An example is when they ask me why I’m in the chair. I will say that I have a neurological condition. BIID is a neurological condition, and that is what I mean, but usually the person asking will think that I mean MS or something along those lines. If pressed for the exact name and nature of the neurological condition I give the name of another neurological condition that I actually do have, but which doesn’t affect my mobility. I realize that I’m not being entirely honest, but on one hand, these people are not really entitled to the whole truth which is very personal and private. On the other hand, what I am saying is indeed the truth, just not the full truth.
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1 On 8 April, 2008, Sean said:
The concept of “truth” is an interesting one. Your truth - that you need to be deaf - is probably hard to take for your loved ones.
I have often said we have to tell a lie to live our truth. I have to lie about the reason I use a wheelchair in order to be able to live my truth, that I should be a wheelchair user.
This does create some really difficult ethical issues.
Your parents probably don’t need to know. I told my parents when I was in my early 20’s. It was a mistake at the time. They are slowly coming around, but it took 20 years of heartache, pain and frustration.
However, your partner, I think you should tell her (I assume it’s a her). This is too big a part of us to hide from our loved ones. Plus, consider, the longer you go hiding this from her, the harder it’ll be to come out and tell her. And if you don’t tell her, you are risking her feeling her trust was broken when it finally comes to light, and it will. If it doesn’t, it simply means you’ll be denying yourself and repressing and growing more miserable as the time goes.
I could, of course, be wrong ;)