Coming out?
Written by Sean on Tuesday, July 1, 1997
It is always a hard choice to decide to come out or not. So many issues are involved in it. Will the people you talk with about this understand any of it, or will even be willing to understand? What good does it do to tell friends and family? Will one be able to deal with the rejection of close entourage better than with the burden of hiding it from them? The list goes on and on and on… The more I think, the more reasons I can come up with to NOT tell. Then again, telling is such a relief in some cases…
I, of course, can only talk about what I have been through, and not about what others lived. But it seems that most people feel a huge relief about coming out. I know that since I have started talking about it more openly I am more comfortable with myself. I have been scared a long time about talking to people because the only two times I did, I ended loosing the people I cared for due to this. I now realize that perhaps if I had talked openly when we were first building on our relationship, the pain I caused by hiding this important aspect of me to my girlfriend would have been a lot less.
Because this is a consideration. Let’s suppose you have been married for about ten years, and have never told your wife/husband about it. Suddenly you show a part of you that is usually very big, and the common reaction from your SO would be hurt at the lack of trust you showed in not opening up. Also, of course there is a lot of incomprehension, but that would happen at anytime… I guess only you can judge if it is wise to come out and talk, but I honestly think you might be surprised at the good results that might bring. Don’t hold me to it if it falls though. &st;grin>
Who to tell? what criteria’s will you use to select the few (or not so few) people you will tell… Hmmm… I looked at the fact that first they had to be open minded… That is if I knew them well already. If I knew they would make the effort to at least let me present my case. One person I have been very hesitant to tell was my mother. I did write a long letter to her and mailed it. I waited for her reaction anxiously for a few weeks and the letter came back, unopened. I had put the wrong postal code on it… I took that as a message that it was not time to tell her… On the other hand, my father knows and he told me that he could not understand why, nor could he think I could be happy pretending in the long run or find someone to be happy with, but if it was what I really wanted, and as long as I didn’t hurt anyone, to go ahead and be happy. We have never again talked about it, but at least I don’t have to feel it is a big secret anymore.
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2 Comments
2 On 21 July, 2008, Claire said:
I think that’s a good way to handle it. I *hate* lying, I’m terrible at it, and I believe it to be wrong. And so my own way to explain my wheeling is much like yours. I say that I have an unexplained neurological condition. That is pretty much the truth.
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1 On 20 July, 2008, Bracey said:
I figured out about a year ago that I was going to have to wear leg braces. There was just no way to avoid it, and now, as long as I wear them regularly, I am a more focused, calmer, kinder, happier person all around.
I\’ve never thought I needed to have any specific, labeled condition; I\’ve always just felt like I needed a pair of leg braces. Evidently, my inner voice was right.
So I\’ve told 3 people (very close friends) the truth of the matter, and I\’ve simply lied to everyone else in as little detail as possible. If a lie can\’t hurt anyone, I don\’t think it\’s wrong to use it, especially if it helps someone a lot as mine does for me. I made up a story to facilitate all aspects of my wearing habits, and it seems to work well.
I guess the fact that I\’m single & live alone helps me pull this off, but I have to tell my story over & over & over & get it right every time because I have a ton of good friends, and that makes this treatment quite work-intensive on a psychological level.
The simplest form of my story is that \”there\’s something weird going on with my legs, and I don\’t really know how to explain it because I\’m bad at science, but if I wear my braces like I\’m supposed to, they make my legs feel really good, so I really don\’t mind wearing them\”. This is extremely close to the truth, close enough that I can believe it, and belief helps one keep a story straight (besides eliminating quite a few negative feelings about what I\’m doing). I do need them, they do make my legs (& the rest of me) feel good, and I can\’t explain why. That\’s the truth, right?
All this makes me wonder what \”coming out\” would entail, or has entailed, for me.