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Busy yet lazy
Written by Sophie on Saturday, August 19, 2006
Busy, busy busy, I seem to be so busy and yet so lazy. I know that I can’t just keep beating myself up over the fact that I have to wait until next month to work. Heh, it’ll mean I’ll be spending so much more time online later at night making sure everything is running smoothly/fuelling my addiction…well, my second most important addiction.
I’ve been chatting to a lot of people lately, since I started my new group. There’s one particular lady I’ve been chatting with that has really been making me think. When you’ve accepted who you are for a while, there are things you take for granted. This lady asked me a lot of interesting questions that really made me think about the things that I do, and why. I really enjoyed answering her questions, and I hope she feels the courage to ask more. Not just from me, but from other transabled people out in the world. We all have a lot of different viewpoints, and approaches for our transability, and more often than not, we get caught up in our own little world.
Caption: Image of a scale
with different priorities
balanced differently.
My parents are still bugging me. They think I should be going to counselling. I’m not arguing that bit, if I go to counselling they will be paying for it, and it will be on their terms. They even want to come with me for one or two sessions, and that is something I can’t allow. Do they not realise I feel like I’m being backed into a corner? I feel like I’m some freaky display thing that needs some sort of intervention. It hurt when mum and dad cornered me after mum had gone to one of her work mates, who went to her doctor husband. They all think I need help. And then I have no idea why I told my aunty, actually I do. I knew mum needed someone to talk to, but my “thoughtfulness” seems to be coming back to bite me on the bum. My aunty thinks I should be apologising to my parents for all of this so they can carry on with their lives, I’m tired of trying to live up to their expectations. I need to move further away, far away. It’s just too much social pressure for me, I’d rather be holed up in my flat on my computer than trying to “make my parents see”, an impossible task.
I guess I just side track my mind with other thoughts, like learning how to add extensions on to Joomla. I learnt how to add a chatroom, all by myself. I didn’t get Sean’s help at all and that made me feel so proud of myself. I’ve also reinstalled windows, and installed some side fans recently, and that kept me occupied for several days. We all know avoidance isn’t the key though. How do you find a balance between dealing with your issues, and giving your mind a break? How do you find a balance between loving your parents, and doing what you need to do? It’s so easy to help others, to give other people advice, but how can I do that when I can’t fix my own problems?
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