transabled.org

After receiving a couple emails pointing out that 38 isn’t that old, I must reiterate:

I’m not bummed about about turning 38. I don’t care about aging because of aging itself.

It’s just that I’ve spent 35 years or so with the pain of being transabled, and I see no signs that it’s anywhere near the horizon. Now *that* bums me out…

The last time I posted a response to one of your blogs, I said that you should stop your whining because you know exactly how to get what you want. Perhaps that was a bit harsh and blunt, though I can’t say that I didn’t mean it at the time. As a student of psychology though, I can see where I was not really looking at the whole picture, and my “advice” last time wasn’t very rounded or useful. I’m going to take another stab at it here and hopefully do a better job.

What I’m seeing from the progression of your blogs is that you are looking for a perfect solution among many confounding variables. First is your partner, whom you love very much, but you believe your relationship would not survive your becoming a para. There are also job, insurance, and social considerations that I’m detecting in there. I get the impression that you are a very careful, methodical person who tends to consider all the angles of a situation. Such attention to detail is generally a good thing, but it can also interfere with decisive decision-making. There is no such thing as a perfect solution to this issue.

There will be risks associated with any solution that you think of. I would venture to say that those risks will not be limited to your health, no matter the solution. You will always be taking chances with your relationships, your career, your place in society, etc. However,your blogs indicate to me that you’re not willing to assume those risks. I get it that you fully understand and are ready to accept the risks to your physical health, such as chronic pain, bladder/bowel issues, circulation problems, and so on. It seems to be everything else that you’re not willing to jeapordize.

I would submit to you that you absolutely must be willing to risk these other things. That is not to say that you have to be willing to sacrifice everything in your life to reach your goal. Short of death, it is unlikely that any given solution will have that effect. That said, you’ve got to understand that you will never be able to control every single aspect or direction of risk, no matter what solution you come up with. I think you DO understand this though, and that understanding is what is holding you back. I can confidently assure you that you will never find an acceptable solution that balances a high probability of sucess with an acceptable level of overall risk until you can look at the situation and say “I will deal with WHATEVER consequences come from this decision.”

I think that you already know these things though, and your recent post about treatment of BIID got me to thinking about something. Perhaps your blogging IS your therapy. It allows you to release some of the emotional pressure that comes from your predicament. It gives you a means to be heard and a sense that someone is listening to and empathizes with your plight, which is the main thing that most people who enter psychotherapy are looking for.

Another thing I noticed is that you seem to be dead set on the idea that becoming a para is the only solution for you. I would like to suggest that this may not be accurate. Now if you’ve already thought of this then just ignore the following. If not though, I hope I can provide some alternative direction. Whatever decision you make, you have to own that decision, you must be able to stand by it for the long haul. It is possible for you to decide that you will NOT try to become a para. Just like chosing to become a para though, you have to be willing to accept and deal with anything this brings. It is much easier said than done, I realize this. You may have to take things day by day, hour by hour, or sometimes when the desire is strongest, minute by minute. You may have to stop what you’re doing, take a little step back from the desire and say “I have made a decision that this will stay a fantasy, and I stand by that decision.” It helps to look in a mirror and say these things out loud, rather than just in your head. Whichever way you go though, just remember that, in this instance anyway, you must commit to that decision. Make any stipulations, time limits, or exceptions you wish, but be willing to submit to you decision completely. Once made, it must not be compromised. To do so is to risk your mental stability. I say this because I have experienced it firsthand. You know what I’ve accomplished, and I have to admit that there have been times that I have doubted my decision. The first time this happened, I recognized the slippery slope I was on and reminded myself that this is the decision I made and I will stand by it. I’ve had to do that same thing several times since then, and you’ll have to as well. You’ve gotta really own it.

Having said all that to say this… I was harsh and rude the last time, and I sincerely apologize for it.

Thank you Lisa, I accept your apology :)

I realise that there will be risks associated with any solution that is selected. I further realise that there are no perfect solutions. And it might be that I’m picky, or unrealistic, but while I won’t get a perfect solution, I want as perfect a solution as possible.

There is no doubt in my mind that writing on this site has been incredibly therapeutic for me, as well as most of the contacts I get from people emailing me after reading the site! It’s one of many tools in my toolbox. I’m not particularly looking for someone to listen, though I like to know people read me. It is helpful to me to write my thoughts and sort them out. It also is good for me to know that others have found solace by reading what I’ve written.

It has taken a long time for me to come to the realisation, and acceptance, that being a para is the only real solution for me. For the longest time I was convinced that self-injury/surgery was not the option for me. After attempting to handle it in many other ways, and getting nowhere, I eventually came to the conclusion that this is probably the only way.

I do not kid myself and think that being a para would solve all my issues. But I do believe it would be the way for me to be able to go forward. And yes, I know what you did, and despite what you’ve said, I don’t believe it’s a viable option for me. I’ll gladly go in more details about the reasons why in an email, but I won’t discuss specifics on the site.