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Home / Thoughts / Atrophy and legs

Atrophy and legs

Written by Sean on Saturday, March 10, 2007

I’ve been thinking on and off about putting my legs in casts ’till they atrophy. And the desire I have of doing just that is *so* strong, I can hardly begin to describe it. But I fear it shall remain a fancy dancing in my brain for now.

It is a strange question of body image. My ideal body image includes thin atrophied legs, that is how I would prefer my legs to be. One might see that as a sign of delusion, of a skewed perception of beauty. Perhaps like an anorexic perceives their emaciated body needs to be even thinner to meet cannons of beauty. But I do not believe that thin atrophied legs is the ideal of beauty. I also don’t believe that all paras have thin atrophied legs, in fact, I know it’s not quite true. But the idea of my legs being thin, really thin, and the muscle I have being floppy, it just feels so right, it’s hard to describe.

Wishing more atrophy than that.

And I know that this is causing actual damage to my body, that in the long run, it’s not good for me. But since my ultimate goal is paralysis, who cares if I get atrophied, if my joints don’t work so well anymore? Not that i think that I’ll ever be unable to walk simply due to forced atrophy, my experience shows me differently. One step in the right direction I guess (pun intended).

I sometimes lay down on the bed at night and jiggle my calf muscle with my hands. There used to be more atrophy there. The muscle is still somewhat loose, but nowhere near where I’d want it to be.

Of course, the logistics of wearing a cast long enough to make it happen is difficult at best. To get the effect I really want, I’d need two long leg casts for about 8 weeks, and to increase the atrophy even more, follow *that* with two short leg casts for another 4, 5 weeks. Getting around and caring for myself would be difficult at best. It would take my partner’s participation, who wouldn’t go for it. She has enough trouble going out with me in my wheelchair, she coudln’t handle the attention of two casts *and* of wheeling. And she probably wouldn’t be ready to give the care I’d need (like assitance with bathing, etc). So, it won’t be anytime soon. Maybe in the future, maybe at some time I’ll find a partner who is willing and *keen* to help.

But I want it, and I want it NOW! It would take getting a wheelchair with footrest/legrest. I wouldn’t be able to drive, not even with hand controls. Likely I’d be dependent on whomever was assisting me. I don’t dislike the idea of that at all, but whomever is assisting me would be in for quite something I think. And I’d be unlikely to be able to get to work. Short leg casts, I could explain, but two long leg casts, I don’t think so. Short leg casts, I could continue to work "as is", no questions asked. Well, that is, they’d ask questions, but wouldn’t care whether I was casted or not to do my job. I guess I could time my annual leave, but that would mean only 4 of the 8 weeks I’d need to really get atrophy setting in. The logistics of it are… difficult at best.

And let’s face it, having two legs in casts is nothing at all like being a para, having two unweildy chunk of fiberglass attached to the leg is nowhere near like having two uncontrollable legs dangling.

But, one must suffer to achieve their ideal, mustn’t they?

Bah! Another dream, another fancy, another thing that will slip out and not happen. Not the first disapointment, nor will it be the last, I’m sure.

[tags]Cast, Wheelchair, Atrophy, Paraplegic[/tags]