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Home / Thoughts / Anger, anger, so much anger

Anger, anger, so much anger

Written by Sean on Tuesday, July 25, 2006

It started by receiving a rather nasty email (quoted below). Then someone pointed me to a discussion forum where people with disabilities started venting their anger, incomprehension and frustrations towards this site and me in particular. I can’t help wonder, "why so much anger?". But that’s a rethorical question, there really isn’t any answer to this. I shan’t let myself be dragged into a pointless debate. I have had these debates, they lead nowhere, unless the other party actually is willing to listen with an open mind. Some of them clearly aren’t. But I do feel it is important to address a few of the "issues" brought on that discussion forum.

I just re-visited the site and it appears that the thread was removed or closed down, or some such right after I made my posting on it. Typical censorship. I’m glad I posted my response here first

I should say that I am very open to talk about this some more, though I will not be dragged into a flame contest. I will readily admit that I may come across as defensive at times. It’s hard not to when you’re under fire of such intensity.

Mr Soul

OTOH, actual amputation seems pretty extreme to me.

Yes, actual amputation is pretty extreme. So would an actual spinal cord transection. So is sex reassignment surgery. I would readily undergo spinal cord transection surgery if it was available. Before you think I don’t know what I’m talking about, read on, I address this lower down.

keps

Yeah Mr Soul, I’d noticed that those who fantasize about being paralyzed always imagine being paras, not quads.

I’d argue the word "fantasize", but that would go nowhere. I should point out that there are several people who focus on being quads. In fact, I know one who wants/needs to be a vent dependent quad. There *is* a whole range out there, even though it seems amputees and paras are the most "common" form

keps

How nice to have a choice about whether to use a chair or not.

One might argue this is semantics, but I don’t actually feel I have such a choice. Or rather it’s between feeling comletely out of my element, anxious, uncomfortable, unable to function properly when I’m out of the chair, or being relatively happy in the chair. Or to play the other side of the argument, everyone has a choice. You may chose to not use the chair at all, and stay in bed all day. It’s not an appealing choice, but it *is* a choice. Same goes for me.

Your need is a physical one, mine is an emotional/mental one. By which standards are you judging that one is any less or more valid than the other?

keps

I think if these people were injured in some way, they would wonder why they ever romanticized disability

Why do you assume I romanticise disability? I far from romanticise it. I know, as much as anyone can without having an actual impairment, what it’s like, and it’s not something I do for the glamour of it.

My wife was a para (she passed away). She had been a para for over 30 years when she passed away, and I had many a long conversation with her about all this. I say, day-to-day the impact on her life, from shoulders having worn off, to arthritis in every joint, to spasms that nearly threw her out of her chair, and all the "gory" details.

I also have been living nearly 100% of my public life as a wheelchair user, and as such, have experienced all the "joys" of disability, the discrimination, the kerb cuts, you name it.

Keps on lily’s story

I did read it. To be honest, I think it is the work of a vivid imagination.

Well, Lily is well able to defend her position and prove she’s not a fake. I just find it interesting that the assumption was Lily was a fake.

antiquity

These guys can’t fool doctors either. The presence of the babinski reflex would a dead giveaway. Neurologically sound people don’t have it.

I beg to differ… You won’t like hearing this, but several GPs have seen me, and examined me and have no idea I don’t have an SCI. Oh, I’m not fooling myself, I wouldn’t "pass" a proper neurological exam.

This is no brag, I’m simply stating a fact.

leschinsky

umm, the guy can go f*ck himself.

then Saul (a moderator, no less)

Your fuckin wack…straight up straight out fuckin wacked!

Why, thank you, it’s nice to see such an "elevated" level of inteligent comments… Honestly, there is no need to swear at us so.

leschinsky’s quote:

"Treat them with humanity, and let them have no reason to complain of our copying the brutal example of the British army in their treatment of our unfortunate brethren." George Washington

What an interesting quote, that. treat them with humanity I’m sorry Leschinsky, but this certainly feel like "two weights/two measures"…

Mrsoul

I think they just want to pass in public, not medically… although some sound as if they are getting ready to "switch" permanently

As I stated above, I’ve been living in the chair.for well over a decade. Was there an actual option to become a para, I would take it without a second thought. Though that’ a misnomer, because I *have* been thinking and re-thinking about it, for well over thirty years!

buttmonkey

had to write the guy an e-mail asking if he’d considered checking into an institution. Im not a big advocate of sucide but my god if you’re that f*cked up in the head I see few other options.

I got that email. It wasn’t very pleasant.

On the off chance that the question was actually meant. No, I’ve not considered checking myself in an institution, because there is nothing that could be done in an institution.

I have, however, done psychotherapy, and undergone various drug treatments. Not to the extent Girlnohands has experienced, but not that far off. I had similar results to what she describes.

But here’s a thought. Buttmonkey suggests that I should kill myself. Buttmonkey actually is saying that I’d be better off dead than disabled. My point is quite the opposite, actually, I’d rather be dead than NOT disabled. One would think y’all would see this as a refreshing change from society’s attitude at large.

2jazzyjef

the sad thing is that Sean on the site, makes a statement in a roundabout way that bc he found someone else with these thoughts, that he wasn’t sick in the head.

No, not quite. It’s not because I’m not the only one suffering from BIID that I’m sane. Sanity is, in any case, a very fluid thing. In fact, I’ve often said, if it takes a label of mental illness before I can receive proper course of treatment, I’ll gladly take that label.

Because unlike so many people in the disability community, I don’t see mental illnesses any lower on the totem pole than physical disabilities… It’s not a "bad" thing to have a mental illness. It’s not one’s *choice* to have a mental illness.

Juke_spin responded

Wait a minute, it makes perfect sense. After all look at those pedophiles who’ve found each other, banded together and started pushing for legislation to legalize their love/sexual interests and activities

Wow! That’s harsh. I’m not sure where to begin pointing out differences… Perhaps the only thing I can really say is that transabled people are not harming anyone, except themselves on rare occasions, whereas pedophiles are a menace to children.

Mrsoul

Actually, I was thinking about that… there isn’t any "safe" (haha) way to do it, is there?

No, there isn’t. I have thought about schemes to accomplish it, for over 30 years, and none of the plans I came up with were viable in the least. Had I found a way, I would have done it a long time ago.

juke_spin

if it’s just as "normal" to need to be an amputee as to be homo, bi or trans-sexual, is it the same kind of "normal" to want to be born a head with no functional body? Or how about being born severely autistic. Or, as MrSoul asks, to need to have cerebral palsy.
Do you have answers to these questions? Do you know or know of anyone having any of these needs.

I know of people who have a variety of needs. I don’t have the answer as to why each one of us focus on a particular impairment rather than another. I can’t tell you why I see myself as an L1 para and not a T4, or L3, it just is. And I have tried to figure out where this came from in countless hours of therapy.

betheny

I don’t think the medical community will ever accept you.

No, sadly, I think you’re right, more’s the pity. Not in my lifetime anyway. There was some work done to include our condition in the next edition of the DSM-IV, which would certainly be a step in the right direction. But that isn’t happening, last I heard.

The problem is that the mental health professionals are not helping either. Many of you are recommending we check ourselves in institution, take drugs, or do therapy, many of us have tried. The mental health profession is out of their depth and often do as much, if not more, harm than good.

keps

Surely you can see how galling this is for those who are disabled through no wish of their own?
Surely then, you can see how upsetting it is for me when I see people talking about "needing" to be a para? It feels as though the enormous life changing sci is being trivialized.

I’m sorry you feel I am trivialising your experience with SCI. I do not intend to trivialise anything. I’m not who and what I am because I want to be this way, it just happened.

Here’s a thought. My wife (who as I said before was a para) used to think it was actually flattering to have someone wanting to be like her. She said it was a refreshing change.

steven_edwards

You can’t do therapy to learn to see yourself whole as an AB?

Been there, done that, tried it, still doing therapy. Going nowhere.

buttmonkey

My levels of anger and offense at this thread know no bounds. Please understand that this anger I harbor is not something I chose to have, but it is what it is. I will not attempt to change or control it, instead I will indulge it. Then and only then will I be whole.

Nice bit of parody there. You anger is indeed your anger, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to change that. I would hope that you’d be open minded enough to be at least willing to listen to my side of the story, but I’m not holding my breath. Just like I’m not holding my breath when I try to explain to a restaurant owner why they should put a ramp in to their restaurant, but they just hang up the phone, or walk away.

Oh, I could go on and on, but I won’t, ’nuff said.

I *am* open to questions. I even welcome the difficult ones. I don’t have all the answers, and the answers I do have may not be the ones you want to hear, but if you do have an interest in learning more about this, then, by all means, let’s have an intelligent exchange. A lot of what I say, I’ve already covered on my website, but I realise there’s a lot to read there.

Tags: Amputation, Spinal+Cord+Injury, Wheelchair, Transabled, Paralysis, Fantasy, Disability, Sanity, Paraplegia, Anger, Frustration, Psychotherapy, Blog