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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / And the Universe Shifted…

And the Universe Shifted…

Written by Claire on Friday, November 10, 2006

My wheelchair arrived a few days ago. I was expecting it to arrive on that day and my morning was filled with a strange mixture of excitement and trepidation. I couldn’t wait to get the chair. But how would my family react? My husband knew it was coming, but actually having it around, well, that would be strange for both of us. Maybe even life-changing. Maybe healing, and maybe a disaster. And then shortly after noon, when my husband and kids were home from work and school for lunch, the FedEx man rang the doorbell…

Of course I wanted to go tearing off at a dead run to the front door, but I calmly walked over there as if I didn’t know who it was, calmly said hello, calmly signed my name, calmly placed the large package near the front door, calmly returned to the dinner table to resume my lunch. Of course the kids, ever curious, wanted to know "What’s that mom??". "Oh, I don’t know," I replied. "I’ll open it later and we’ll see." But there was no way I was going to open that thing in anyone’s presence.

The rest of the lunch hour was a huge test of my patience. Usually I enjoy the privilege of being able to lunch with my entire family, as work and school are very close to our house. Today, though, I just wanted them the hell out of there! I went through the motions of doing the dishes and responding when spoken to but my mind was on that package by the front door. My husband knew very well what it was, but didn’t say a word, and calmly kissed me on the cheek as he left, wishing me a nice afternoon, as usual, as if this wasn’t a moment that I had secretly longed for for the last 30 years. It seemed like forever until I could spy out the front window to make sure that the kids were well on their way, biking back to school a few blocks away.

The package was heavy, and I dragged it into my office. I went to get a knife to cut the packaging tape, and locked my office door behind me. I bent down with my knife to open the box, and for the first time in my life, something happened to me that I had only read in stories: my hands started shaking from sheer emotional overload. Only a little bit, but I could feel it. I had to stop and take a deep breath. Took the plunge, and opened the box. Well, there it was…in a million pieces. I had imagined it would all be assembled except for the wheels, but it was completely dismantled. The tires were flat. The footplate was off. The casters were off. There was no seat on it. There were bits and pieces of things that I couldn’t name. It was all there, but looked like one giant jigsaw puzzle to me, who knows nothing of putting together a wheelchair. I felt some accute disappointment, because I had imagined myself sitting in it minutes from now, but it was not to be.

I needed a socket wrench. An air compressor. An allen wrench. The manual. As it happened, Sean came online just then and knew the chair was supposed to come that day. He answered some questions, and eventually, we got it all together. I sat in my office chair, and looked at the wheelchair next to me.

Claire: ok
Claire: are you ready?
Sean: question is, are YOU?
Claire: I don’t know

I was afraid, unsure. I had this overwhelming urge to ask him "Sean, do I have BIID? Do I really?" I just needed to hear it from someone, someone who knew. Because if I didn’t have BIID, then this was pointless, and whatever was wrong with me, the chair wasn’t going to help, and I had gone through a lot of anguish and expense over it for nothing. And if I did have BIID, then this was like saying "I do" and till death to us part, I’d never be free of it. A fearsome future, either way. But I felt ridiculous asking Sean such a question, I knew he would tell me I already knew the answer, so I kept silent, and struggled with the question on my own.

Sean: come on
Sean: you got it now
Sean: sit that beeeeehind of yours on YOUR CHAIR

Claire in her wheelchair

I stared at the chair. Under this encouragement I could hardly resist. I took a deep breath. Stood up. Pushed my office chair out of the way. Rolled my wheelchair over to me, positioned it in front of the computer. Took another deep breath. And sat down.

And the universe shifted.

…

…

…

Is that overly dramatic? No, actually. Every transabled wheelchair user I’ve talked to has said the same thing, or something like it:

…it’s like for a fleeting second everything has fallen into place…

… the first time you sit down, it’s like you’ve been in that chair forever…

… it just feels so natural, so right…

… you kinda go numb not knowing whether it’s real or not…

…you feel like you never want to get up again…

And more…

No, my universe had indeed shifted. It was off by a few degrees and it made a slight shift and suddenly it was right. I was filled with this unbelievable joy. A feeling of completeness, of rightness, of relief. I felt, rather than heard, a door slamming behind me, the lock turning, no going back now. I could barely keep up the conversation with Sean, my wits were addled, I had nothing coherent to say, but he understood. I couldn’t stop smiling. In fact I had a huge, idiot grin on my face.

Claire: I’m not sure I can talk coherently right now
Sean: you don’t have to talk
Sean: just type
Sean: and I’m fluent in typo
Claire: LOL
Sean: I must admit, I am having butterflies all these thousands of kilometres away from you
Claire: awww
Claire: I’m sorry Sean I’m a little speechless
Sean: I think getting your first chair is addling your brains a bit. overcome by emotions :)
Claire: you’re right, my wits are addled, I have nothing intelligent to say today, nothing
Sean: nothing wrong with that
Sean: today’s meant for enjoyment
Claire: oh boy you’ll never get a photo now…
Claire: because I’m CRYING!!

And there it was. A brief, but powerful torrent of tears of joy. Just a few moments really, and then things reasserted themselves, because I felt good, I was in my wheelchair, and the world just felt right.

[tags]transabled, BIID, wheelchair, pretender, pretending[/tags]

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