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Am I ever going to find out?
Written by Sophie on Wednesday, November 1, 2006
I’m happy with where my life is headed, but at the same time I’m not. Everything all seems rather hopeless, am I doomed to toil round on this earth for the rest of my life with that sci just out of my reach? I do appreciate that I’m able to wheel full time, and that right now I have my feet casted…but it isn’t enough. The obsession is eating me up inside. Talking to a friend of mine helps. He talks to me about equipment and things like I really physically (as well as emotionally) need my chair. It’s the sort of attitude I have towards my chair, if I got a puncture just before leaving for work in the morning I’d have no idea what to do.
Right or left?
Some of you may have read my latest story on my site. I know…it’s a bit dark. Please note the story isn’t about me, suicide isn’t an option. It’s more of a “how much is it going to take?” story. I doubt my death would make that big an impact anyway in terms of people really discussing BIID. I’m not that sort of person. If there were ever a death that impacted the world in that way who do you think would have to do the deed? I’m worried nothing is going to make an impact. There’s a difference between doing all those studies, and managing to convince those surgeons to rethink their morals, it’s a totally different ball game indeed. Many people say they aren’t Christian, but many societies round the world is based on Christian morals and values. Who’s to say that lying is bad? Or Stealing? Or marrying more than one person? For the record many of the kings in the Old Testament had several wives. One of King David’s biggest problems was that many of his kids tried to kill each other, and him. Yet we’re so stuck on these values. I’m not saying they’re bad. Many of these values are necessary to keep society going. But I so wish I could change the way surgeons think.
It’s all just an endless black hole. The more time you spend thinking about BIID the more you want it. The more you try to ignore it the more you know you’re living a lie. You get tired living one lie; you get just as tired living the other one. It’s a struggle between living for yourself, or living for the people you care about. There doesn’t seem to be a finish line. I don’t want to die before I have a chance to sort this all out, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this won’t happen.
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4 Comments
2 On 1 November, 2006, Sophie said:
lol, even if I did buy a puncture repair kit I wouldn’t know how to use it!
3 On 1 November, 2006, Sean said:
Learning to use a puncture repair kit falls under the category “taking responsibility for oneself” :) If you’re gonna wheel, you’ve gotta learn to change a flat!
4 On 1 November, 2006, Sophie said:
Ok then will you teach me? Fixing flatties fell under Dad’s catagory at home. Being female I didn’t learn how to fix my own bike.
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1 On 1 November, 2006, Sean said:
You mean to tell me you still haven’t spent the $5 to purchase a tyre puncture repair kit, even after you were stuck the other week, unable to go anywhere with a flat tyre?
As for the dilemna you are facing, I do know *just* how you feel. It really sucks :(