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Addictive realities
Written by Sean on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I was soaking in the bath and I daydreamed about experiencing paralysis, as I often do. I was thinking that it would be nice to at least know the feeling, even if only in a temporary manner. It is possible to do it. I mean, technically, it’s possible. An epidural would do it, or another type of nerve block. Practically, of course, finding someone to apply such an anaesthetic is far from easy. Plus, would I really benefit for it, or would it only be cause for more frustration?
I remember Claire telling me about receiving an epidural when she gave birth to one of her daughter, and how she was so much out of it that she didn’t really realise what’s going on, until it was almost too late. And I remember thinking that an epidural under such conditions would be a far cry from experiencing paralysis. It’s not like she had a wheelchair and could go galivanting around.
I understand that would be a problem with epidurals, you’d pretty much have to be tied up to a drip for it to last. Hence, a major part of the experience would be removed. I couldn’t just hop in a chair and get going, get in the car, go to the mall, do everyday things which I want to experience as a paralysed man.
There would be the possibility of nerve blocks. One imagines that using anaesthetic into the femoral and sciatic nerves, for instance, would provide somewhat lasting paralysis of the desired effect. It wouldn’t last very long, but it would give me the desire freedom.
But things wear off. And then what?
When I told my GP about BIID, he took it rather well. He was intrigued and fascinated. He can’t help in a meaningful manner, I realise that. But he’s asked about my use of a wheelchair, and he’s asked if an epidural would help. I don’t know that he was actually offering to set one up, but he asked. That’s a half decent opening. At the time, my knee-jerk reaction (pun intended) was that I didn’t want one. I was afraid to get a taste of something too good to stop, and that when it did stop, it would send me crashing. Today, I received an email from someone who describe that very thing happening to him:
The next step came when I started doing nerve blocks with anesthetic that I got off the internet. It took a few tries to actually find the nerve. When the anesthetic is injected on the nerve, it blocks all signal transmission in that nerve. I can’t tell you how amazing I felt. I loved every second of it. 12 hours later, when I started to regain movement, my high spirits crashed and I became very upset and angry that it couldn’t last longer. One time I was so frustrated I punched my foot when it started to wear off.
When does the therapeutic benefit becomes a negative? Is it like an ultra addictive drug? One snort and you’re done in for life? I mean, it’s gotta be addictive to finally feel well within our own body, to finally feel one, to finally feel yourself.
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4 Comments
2 On 23 April, 2008, Sean said:
Hello May, thanks for de-lurking :)
It IS like a very addictive drug! It hit me when I saw all the syringes from all the blocks I did, I realized that I was becoming addicted to the feeling of being paralyzed. This was the main reason I finally decided to “do it”, and make it “semi permanent”.
4 On 24 April, 2008, Claire said:
It is addictive. My foot is still partially paralyzed from my self-injury attempt and I love the feeling. It is slowly healing, though, and every time I realize that I can feel or move it more, it’s very disappointing. I want that feeling. A lot of the time, much of my attention is centered on the feeling of weakness in my foot. I understand Stumpy’s reasoning for finally doing it, it makes much sense.
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1 On 23 April, 2008, May said:
Short time lurker, first time poster. Been reading here because, well, it’s interesting and I like to understand how others think, and I happen to know both Robin and Marie.
I don’t consider myself to have BIID, although it could be said I do - but my form is a little more mainstream, and has some support in the medical community. I’m trans, and almost two years postop.
I understand this feeling very well, here. Once you taste something, and like the taste, it’s very hard to let go of it. Very addictive, like drugs. It may be bad, it may not be, but it’s still hard to let go. Very much true being trans, too - once you’ve tasted the other side…
Growing up, it came in waves - sometimes an issue, sometimes not. I tended to dress in clothes normally worn by women in the US - skirts, jumpers - but stuff I considered andogynous, and didn’t try to present as female. I was a guy wearing unusual clothes, and was okay with presenting that way in public. I lost weight, my skirts and jumpers didn’t fit anymore - passed them onto my wife. I wasn’t able to find replacements I liked, though, so stopped for a bit, but … missed it, wanted more. Kept getting worse, too - it didn’t go away.
Eventually, I realized I was empty, and that it didn’t matter what I had … it was worth risking it all to be who I needed to be.
Talking with Robin about VI lately, I was curious what it’s like. I like to understand people, and how they see the world. I know I rely almost entirely on one eye, and that when I block it, my vision is considerably worse. So, I picked up an eyepatch.
My vision in my bad eye is 20/30 - still fairly good - but it’s also a lazy eye. My brain mostly ignores it, so I get an additional loss of visual signals. It was interesting. I had to switch from my normal 1400×900 on my computer to 640×480 so I could read text at all easily. I could at 1400×900 still, but it was considerable strain, and gave me headaches, plus sometimes words would disappear from my vision, even with the enlarged text. They’d fall into black spots, because the image was spotty at best.
I work the patch pretty consistently for 3 days. I was having trouble with everyday tasks. Couldn’t tell how done food was, had trouble reading, etc.
I didn’t want to remove it, though.
And I don’t even consider myself as having BIID. Definitely not VI, as I have trouble comprehending moving about the world with very limited or no vision, but … it was still interesting, and I still found I didn’t want to give it up.