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Acting talents?
Written by Sean on Friday, April 6, 2007
I’ve been leading a double life. I’ve had to remember which stories I’ve told to which person. I have had to act, in a way, for most of my life.
Either I am acting by hiding my deep hurt and depression, or I am acting by pretending to be a paraplegic when I really am not. Or perhaps the acting isn’t so demanding as I so much want to be one.
I’ve been included in discussions about rehab experiences, and had to improvise. But once those things are told, one has to remember them. It is a constant play that builds on itself. Perhaps not so much the actor’s skills as the spy’s or the undercover police officer’s.
I have been forced to convince people around me that my story is true. I can’t afford a slip, I can’t afford discovery. And so I act through my life.
I act, and yet, I don’t. I am myself when I wheel. I am often coming back to that saying of "living my truth by telling a lie". I have to lie about facts, but I don’t lie about feelings and emotions and about ‘true self’. Ok, I didn’t get in a car accident, I didn’t go through rehab, I didn’t have many experiences I have claimed to have over the years.
Unfortunately society demands we tell these stories, we behave in a particular way.
Was my "acting talent" innate, or did it develop with my need to align my body closer to the image of it I have?
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5 Comments
I’m like Sean and find it very difficult too. I don’t know if I’m an actor or a liar. And being a liar is very bad on my conscience. Being transabled can be true torture.
I also enjoy getting to know people when I’m in my wheelchair and as you get to know them, they ask things. And, I tell them! About my accident, my physical limitations etc. I tell everyone the same story though, which is deeply embedded in my brain. I still have to, pardon the pun, “stay on my paralyzed toes” when I’m talking.
3 On 6 April, 2007, Sean said:
So, is there ever a time or place when you can be your true self?
Hmmm, no, not really. Used to be that at home I could be, but now, with my current partner, I can’t be completely open either.
I also enjoy getting to know people when I’m in my wheelchair and as you get to know them, they ask things. And, I tell them!
It is very hard not to tell these stories, isn’t it? Because they are such an integral part of how we see ourselves.
4 On 6 April, 2007, Sophie said:
What about when we were hanging out together Sean? Were you true to self when you talked with me? Lol or were you too concerned with tryin to tickle me ;)
5 On 6 April, 2007, Sean said:
No Sophie, not even with you. I was able to be more myself, but always guarded somehow, unfortunately.
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1 On 6 April, 2007, Claire said:
That sounds really stressful. I have found the very small amount of this that I have had to do so far very difficult. So, is there ever a time or place when you can be your true self?