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Accepting BIID - two levels
Written by Sean on Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Continuing on the thought of accepting and coming to grips with not being a paraplegic, I came to realise that there is in fact two levels, two layers to accepting my condition. First, there is the acceptance of the fact that I have BIID. Second, there is accepting that I am not a para.
It dawned on me that I am able to accept that I have BIID. It took me a long time to get there, but I did. I jumped through a few phases, going back and forth. But I finally accepted that BIID is a part of me. I don’t think I’d be as active with this website and trying to raise awareness if I weren’t accepting of my own condition.
I am, however, unable to accept that I am not a paraplegic. I *know* I am not a para, all too well. I am not deluding myself into saying (nor thinking) "I’m a para that just isn’t paralysed". Neither can I accept that I am unlikely to ever become a paraplegic. Not being a para, and not likely becoming a para are basically one and the same.
After toying with the idea that I am stuck in the grieving process, I realised that it is not a simple question of being stuck at the bargaining stage of the grief process. The usual "control" someone has over their coming to term with a traumatic event/condition is skewed by the fact that BIID is a mental illness, and as such impedes my ability to accept I am not, nor am I ever likely to become, paraplegic.
As an aside, writing that, "I am not, nor am I ever likely to become, paraplegic", really hurt.
I reconciled myself with the fact I have BIID, like someone might be able to reconcile themselves with the fact they have depression, or bi-polar disorder, or paraplegia. That is acceptance of one level.
Acceptance of the second level (lack of paralysis) is simply not happening, and maybe cannot happen *because* of being transabled.
[tags]Paraplegic, Wheelchair, Transabled, Acceptance, Grief[/tags]This entry appears in Sean's Thoughts, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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1 On 14 March, 2007, Kyla said:
I tend to think that this may be the essential difference between the transabled person, and one who simply fantasizes about having a disabling condition. The latter has no difficulty in accepting that it is merely a fantasy, whereas, while we in the former category realise that we do not ’suffer’ from the condition in question, this fact becomes a tremendous obstacle in every aspect of our lives.