by Tom - 29 December 2008
I have tried to get therapy for the past eleven years or so. Initially, I wasn’t quite sure why, but I felt there was something wrong in my life (other than my BIID) and I expected to discover what that was. I made several attempts with different therapists. Lately, I mentioned my desire to have my left hand amputated and I also mentioned what happened in my childhood with my father and the accident I had when I was eight that left me with a temporarily paralysed left hand and that temporarily also saved me from the sex abuse.
Do I Want To Get Cured? continues »
by Tom - 8 December 2008
It is not possible to pretend being an LBE amputee. The amputation I would like to have is through the wrist. Of course, this is not possible to simulate. The closest I can get to it is by making my hand as useless as possible and with as little sensitivity as possible. I have tried many methods to achieve this, and finally settled for a compromise. It involves closing my fist, thumb inside, and bandaging the whole thing quite tightly. The bandage must also go a little up the wrist so that there can be no wrist movement. Then I cover the whole thing with a "stump" sock. However, this still looks more or less like a closed fist. I found this could be made less obvious by letting a couple of finger "stumps" point out at the end of it. So I let my little finger and my major finger point out, but bent and bandaged so that they look like two short finger stumps. When asked, I tell people that I have an underdeveloped, malformed hand and that I have to wear a glove to protect it due to the fact that there isn’t any sensitivity in it.
Pretending continues »
by Tom - 2 December 2008
I have tried hard, for the past 35 years or so, to overcome my unthinkable desire to loose my left hand. I have tried everything. I have run away from the desire in all directions. I have done many a thing I wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t to flee from my desire.
Secret Garden continues »
by Tom - 30 November 2008
I have wanted all my life to be disabled. It started at an early age. And the kind of disability doesn’t really matter to me. What matters is just to be disabled. In that sense, I suppose I’m not a "genuine case of BIID", if I may say so. Amputation? Paralysis? Upper limb? Lower limb? One, two, three or four limbs? Or a sensorial impairment? As a matter of fact, I can’t recognise myself as a BIID sufferer in the sense that my "condition" doesn’t involve a specific type of impairment but rather a need to have something different - and disabled - in my body. There are, however, disabilities that I like better than others and, as I explained elsewhere, my body image is basically that of a one handed - an lbe amputee. But it is not just about my own image, since I also admire other disabled persons. Perhaps I am both a BIID case and an admirer.
Je me Souviens continues »
by Sean - 13 November 2008
Last September in a conversation on the Yahoo! Group Fighting-It, I mentionned that I was usualy hyper-aware of my legs. Someone asked if anyone had tried "hyper-hyper-awareness", forcing onces to think of nothing else but paralysis for long periods of time.
Hyper-hyper awareness of one’s legs continues »