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Home / Stories / Personal Histories / Sean's Story / My Story 2

My Story 2

Written by Sean on Saturday, June 1, 1996

For the past few months I have worked on accepting myself. I have come to realize that this obsession will not go away. It will not just dissolve and there is nothing really wrong with it. So instead of fighting it, instead of paddling against the current I decided to let the river carry me, putting all my energy in giving direction to my canoe (read life) and be happy. This is working, of course there is still a long way to go, but basically, I am a long way on the path to healing. One of the event that helped me a lot is described in the following paragraphs. Do note that while I could not put my finger on what it was that was so great about all that was happening, I have realized what it was now… I have been obsessed with the need to use the chair for so long I can’t remember, but to use it as I describe a little later, I found I wasn’t thinking about it so much as being it. I mean there was now some room for enjoyment rather than only a black hole of worries.

This was written for a post I want to send to Overground… ;-)

No, what I want to tell you is about the few times I went out using my chair with someone that full knows about my desires, and accepts them and allows me to be myself. It is about the amazing sensation of being able to do something with someone, and not anyone, but someone that cares for you as a friend.

I met Lolly on-line a few months ago and we talked a lot on IRC. We meet in #amputee as she is a bilateral leg amputee. We discuss a lot of issues, privately and in the open channel. We discovered that we don’t live really far away one from another, so arranged to meet one day. Then a little later, we went to the movies together.

One day, I mentioned my desire to go wheelchair dancing but that I really didn’t know where to go, nor who to go with. And Lolly told me that she would like that too, and as we both like the "oldies", we set ourselves on going to a nearby dance place known for that kind of music.

This was to be the first time ever I would use the chair with someone that I knew and had talked to before. I only recently had started to accept my feelings towards the chair and everything else. So I was feeling very awkward at the thought. No matter how much Lolly said that it was ok with her, I still kept thinking that it somehow wasn’t. But in truth, it was all right… Only problems were in my mind. Actually no, the real only problem was that the place ended being closed on that evening…

So instead of going dancing, we went for a drink in some pub or other, not without cruising the town first in the hope to come across an accessible dance place. Come to think of it, perhaps it isn’t so bad that we didn’t go dancing that night. Perhaps I needed this "trial run" in order to feel a little more comfortable with the idea of actually being out with another chair user and not having to lie about why I used my wheelchair.

Coming home that night, I had the feeling that I was floating on air… A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn’t hiding anymore. Oh sure, I still am hiding this side of myself from a few people I know (especially family), but to actually be out there was sort of an acknowledgment for me that it was ok. I knew that it was, but to have someone actually want to accompany me in my outing and share some fun was a great approval from the outside, and for some reason, I still need this kind of approval.

The next activity we did together was to go to the movies again, only this time, I was using my chair too. Again, it was really good. I wasn’t feeling as nervous about using the chair this time. Going to the movies is something I do a lot by myself and being in my chair with Lolly wasn’t a totally new experience. One gets bolder with time… Not too much bolder though…

During all this time, I received complete support from Lolly. It makes me smile that she would be so supportive of me when I saw two important relationships in my life break up because of this. One thought came to mind at one point: Would the people with disability be more accepting of wannabes and pretenders? I know that one cannot ask this question as it is more a case of personality than a case of being disabled.

Finally we found a place that was wheelchair accessible and that claimed they played music from the 50’s and 60’s. So we got all excited about this. Nothing was going to stop us now… I was to be available earlier than usual, so I proposed to go for dinner as well, which Lolly gladly accepted.

I went by her house and picked her up and we drove to the restaurant situated in a big shopping mall. The big question every time is "how are we going to do this parking thing?" I usually take Lolly’s chair out of the car for her and then she gets in it. That leaves me standing besides the car, obviously walking, and in no need of a wheelchair for myself. I don’t like the idea of getting my chair out in plain sight, like using a handicapped parking spot would be. So once Lolly is settled, I drive the car away and then get my chair out and wheel myself over to her. I would still like to find a better situation, but will have to work on this for a while longer…

So we get into the dining room and obviously get in from the wrong entrance… No one there to greet us, and as we head for the other entrance, slaloming between tables, a waiter intercepts us and "seats" us at a great little table, we have a window-side table and view of all the comings and going outside the mall. No major event to report during dinner, besides the fact that Lolly loved the Tsatsiki sauce with her Souvlaki…. It was a great meal shared in great company. From there, we went to our selected dance place, about half an hour away. Parking was a little easier this time, as the lot was not really in plain sight and there weren’t many people arrived yet. Cover charge was 3$ but for some reason, the bouncer, a huge guy, waved us inside without charging us. A waiter directed us to a table near the dance floor, or as near as was possible.

By this time, I am close to a nervous wreck… I rarely go out dancing in the first place, but to dance in front of many people in my wheelchair, which I have never done, has me almost out of my mind with awkwardness and nervousness. It turns out there was no need for all the worry. Not many people were in the place, and the music was not really "oldies" but had a beat to it. The same beat from one song to the other as a matter of fact, but that is besides the point.

Slowly the place filled and some action started. A few people were dancing. A good tune started playing and we headed for the dance floor, Lolly in front and me following. Two wheelchairs do take place on a dance floor, but we stuck to our little corner and had our own little fun. It took a whole five seconds for the awkwardness to drain out of me and for the fun to begin. Most people didn’t see us anyway, I am sure. They might have looked, but they didn’t see, but that is part of using a chair, as a disabled or as a wannabe/pretender…

We went back to our table and had another drink while they played some more techno-pop music. At one point the DJ played The Wanderer and as one, Lolly and I went for the dance floor, to promptly find ourselves alone on it. This would have been the time for self-consciousness, but we were too busy having fun for that… Music died, and was replaced by a series of slow songs, so we went back to our drinks.

At this point I started an introspection. I asked myself what I felt, what were my emotions and feelings at being using the chair in such a public place with another chair user… And I could not quite put my finger on it. I wasn’t turned on by it (I’m actually rarely turned on by using the chair). Nor was I happy *because* I was using the chair. I didn’t feel the shame I sometimes do, while I didn’t feel it was entirely right either. It was very strange. In the end, I guess I just felt good at being out with a friend, sharing a drink and a dance and generally having fun. I felt like I was *myself*.

That is what was so very important to me, to discover that I finally felt completely comfortable with myself, that I forgot I was pretending. I was myself, I was using a chair, and I was having fun with a friend, and all was highly natural and "normal"

I was recently told by a paraplegic friend of mine that if I were indeed going to use a chair in public and pretend, I should be it, be it a 100%. Feel it and become it. During that time, I should put away the other Sean, make it not a pretense. I think that’s what happened that evening dancing with Lolly. I became a chair user in his own right. Or rather I allowed myself to be it 100% without the guilt and shame and various negative feelings I tend to have. And I didn’t have to work at it, it just happened.

Now I know it is possible, I will be looking for that feeling again and again. I guess that once you have tasted a recipe, you can probably re-create the taste again fairly closely.

The evening ended and we went back to her house, where she offered me the spare bedroom, as I live about two hours away and it was late… Turned out to be good, because on the Saturday, a beautiful sunny day, we ended up going to the Lakeshore and went up and down the boardwalk. That day, I didn’t use my chair. I switched back to Sean the AB.

There used to be a dichotomy between Sean the para and Sean the AB, but I can now see the time where there won’t be much of a difference between them, other than one will be using a wheelchair and the other one won’t. I am looking forward to this rejoining of two characters within myself, as I feel it happened Friday night.

Since those event happened, I have been once more dancing with Lolly and it was just as great as the first time. I know we will do it again.

I was also extremely fortunate in that a friend I met on-line gave me a pair of long leg braces of his that he wasn’t using anymore and they fit me almost perfectly. I had been longing for that so long. Now that I have them, it seems as if the turmoil was settling down a little. I can now enjoy myself…