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Home / Stories / Personal Histories / Sean's Story / My Story 1

My Story 1

Written by Sean on Monday, January 1, 1996

I have been fascinated for a long time by orthopedics appliances. Legbraces, back braces, braces and splints of many kinds; Casts and wheelchairs; the list could go on. When exactly did this interest begin, I could not tell. I just know it started at a very early age. This fascination is directed towards the people that actually use such appliances, but is also found in a deep desire to use them, with or without a physical need for them…

As a teenager, with a very limited budget, I used to gather some of my allowance money and buy Plaster of Paris bandages to apply casts on myself… I always did it in hiding, away from sight, ashamed of this strange desire. I would also think of all the things I would do when I would be grown up and living by myself.

Now I am grown up, and I have fulfilled a few of my teenage dreams. I own a Quickie GPV wheelchair that I use very often. I have a Milwaukee back brace that I also use often, though only at home. I surf the Net looking for information on Spinal Cord Injuries and other diseases that would lead to paralysis. I go out and pretend to be paraplegic, using the wheelchair in a city next to where I live.

I am quite desperate at times to actually be a paraplegic. Oh, I know from several readings and accounts that it isn’t very glorious. There are lots of problems and pain involved. I don’t think I would want to be paralyzed forever, though I seriously want to experience it. Right now, I am looking towards hypnosis to see if I could finally get a sense of what it is like.

I used to think I was the only one in the world that had those desires, until I got on the net and found out about other devotees and then I made my way to IRC where I met people that were going through the same experiences I was. That helped me a lot. I am now chatting frequently with some friends and being able to talk about our feelings and desires helps the lot of us.

I have dreamt of many schemes to get legbraces prescribe for me, or simply made. I have thought of many ways to actually receive a SCI. I have looked for a plausible explanation about how I got injured. I honestly wish I didn’t have those desires. It would make things a lot easier if I didn’t, but they are very present and I don’t think they ever will go away. So given a hand of cards, you learn to deal with…

I don’t enjoy lying to the people I meet in the street when in a “paraplegic mode” but it does make me feel a lot better to be out there pretending and I know that I could not explain to anyone without having quite a bit of time ahead of me to do so.

I lost two girlfriends to this desire of mine. I made the mistake of not being open and frank about it in the early stages of our relationships. When I could not keep the lie up anymore I talked about it and in both cases, they split. I can not blame them. I also lived a short and passionate affair with a very kind person who knew all about my interests and desires. Having things clear in the open is one of the things that was so good about it. Living lies is not good.

Well, that is about all I can think about saying at this point… Stay tuned, there might be more soon