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Home / Stories / Personal Histories / Other's Stories / Zevirov’s experiences in mental health

Zevirov’s experiences in mental health

Written by Sean on Friday, December 16, 2005

This short "life" story originally appeared on the forums at ahiruzone.com. Thanks to Zevirov for sharing it with us.

Early this year I told my parents. They were devastated to say the least (will go into finer details in a sec). Went to a Psychologist for awhile at the desire of my parents. He was a very nice person whom I believe was more spiritually aware than others of his profession and he somewhat helped me define my own spiritual beliefs. However… I told my parents that nothing was working and I felt this need was stronger than ever. They had me commit myself to the local behavioral health center (i.e. funny farm) and I sweated out a few days there talking with EVIL doctors who cared nothing about their patients. I was just a number to them and was assigned drugs to help combat what they felt was "obsessive-compulsion." We never talked about my feelings and I was more or less shelved. I told them I wouldn’t do anything rash and was able to convince them and my parents that I would be ok for now. After that, I stopped seeing the good doctor because our family had a lack of funds…

I kept it under wraps for a few more months. One day, I just kind of exploded and told my mom that this was how I was and that I was not some crazy demented loon and she should be happy for me. She cried and cried, she called in Dad, he screamed and yelled, and they took me to good ol’ Behavioral Health again. I stayed longer this time, and was feeling adamant that I would not let their drugs or their lack of empathy affect me. In the end, my fear of being locked up more permanently in a state mental institute WITHOUT being paraplegic lead me to pretend that I had seen the light and would conform to standard societal beliefs.

And now (at the end of the year) I had horribly painful conversation with them again. My dad is quite angry at me for lying to him, thinks I’m the most selfish person in the world, thinks I’m totally disconnected from reality, and he said that if I get what I want that I should never speak to him again. My mom is sure that if I was supposed to be that way I’d be born that way (funny… because I feel like I was), thinks this is entirely escapism (not true), is quite certain that I would hate being that way and she would never be able to live with herself for allowing me to live how I want.

*sigh*

Be careful whom you tell, ESPECIALLY people who love you! They can love you so much they might stop seeing you as a person and will only see you as your disability/illness/mindset that is hurting the person they love… And I find that utterly hilarious (in a sad and depressing way). I know that people who truly use wheelchairs all the time want others to look at them FOR WHO THEY ARE, not what they can or cannot do! And I feel the same way! I am NOT disabled - mentally or otherwise! I am ENabled! If I choose to express myself as a paraplegic, by gum, it is MY choice! I love myself and would NEVER wish to harm any part of me! This is only about self-expression and I do not make this choice out of ignorance, fear, or anything of the sort.

I can’t help who I am. Why can’t they see that?

Anywho… thanks for listening to my story. I needed to get that out. I feel like the world can be so harsh and unjust at times. Venting helps me out.

Note from Sean: I’m not surprised to hear that Obsessive-Compulsive drugs didn’t work. I’m also not surprised to hear that behavioural therapy didn’t work. It does appear to be the latest preferred treatment for our “condition”, but I think that’s mostly due to mental health professionals not listening to us, and not understanding what we’re on about.