Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Chloe's Thoughts > BIID/Intersex Analogies
BIID/Intersex Analogies
Written by Chloe on Friday, April 17, 2009
People with BIID inhabit a netherworld of being neither able bodied nor disabled. Hermaphrodites inhabit a netherworld of being neither male nor female.
Or is it that people with BIID are both able bodied and disabled at the same time? And are hermaphrodites both male and female at the same time?
I’m making some oversimplifications here. Many of us have disclosed that we have impairments unrelated to our BIID. But supposing we didn’t: would we be able bodied, disabled, neither, or both?
To be clear on nomenclature: I use the words "hermaphrodite" and "intersexed" interchangeably. I mean simply that there is some disparity of gender or sex among the variables of chromosomes, hormones, gonads, genital appearance, internal anatomy, neuroanatomy, etc; or at least one of these is inherently ambiguous.
The definition above includes transsexuals, which I find to be perfectly reasonable. Indeed, Marie’s exposition on A comparison between transsexuality and transableism started me thinking more deeply on the matter of BIID analogies.
I’m going to disclose some things about myself that I am uncomfortable and embarrassed to reveal. It would be disingenuous of me not to do so, given where I am trying to go with this topic.
The biggest chunk of my life has been spent presenting as androgynous; that is, ambiguously gendered. Yeah, okay, that’s what I’m embarrassed about. I don’t talk about it much. There’s some interesting stories of TSA screenings from this time period; but I digress.
We all present an ensemble of gender cues. The most potent male gender cue is facial hair. The most potent female gender cue is breasts. Likewise we present an ensemble of disability cues, one of the most potent being a wheelchair. By the time I was twenty five I had no facial hair, but I clearly had breasts. So far, female then. But there’s other things like hair length and clothing. I felt that, as a hermaphrodite, I had a right to choose either mens’ or womens’ restrooms. I’ve used both according to my whim. I’ve got kicked out of men’s restrooms more times than I can remember; though never kicked out of a womens’ restroom.
By now Chloe is getting paranoid that you’re all thinking I’m really weird. Alright it’s a bit unusual, but then so is BIID. Here’s an analogy: The only restrooms where I currently present as able bodied are at the ski resort. I use the regular stalls there. On the other hand, when I’m in a wheelchair I use accessible stalls. Likewise, I’ve never gone into a men’s restroom while wearing a skirt.
Some old photos look very strange to me now. There’s this person wearing often a mix of male and female clothing, or androgynous clothing. Sometimes there’s no make up, or jewelry, or other such female cues. Yet those breasts look pretty darned obvious. I’m reminded of a photo of me on Waikiki beach about twelve years ago. I was topless, and wearing tight men’s swimming trunks. No it wasn’t a topless beach, but I felt I had a right to go topless despite the breasts, and lack of crotch bulge.
I’m just trying to give you an idea of the intersex netherworld I used to inhabit. Now I feel like I’m living in BIID netherworld.
One might reasonably ask why I chose to live androgynously. After all, society doesn’t really have a convenient slot for hermaphrodites, just as it doesn’t for people with BIID. Well, it’s a bit complicated, but a big part of it has to do with supporting the "radical" intersex agenda of refusing to accept the societally imposed gender binary system. This means presenting in a manner reflecting one’s underlying biological sex (i.e. ambiguous), as well as accepting whatever genitalia one has without trying to make it "normal".
I still support peoples’ right to reject the gender binary system, BUT, and this is a big but, I knew all along that such rejection did not correspond to my female self identity. On the other hand, being bisexual, I have no desire to move one way or the other on the sexual orientation spectrum. My self identity is that of a bisexual woman with paraplegia.
Eventually I brought my gender presentation, as well as my genital appearance, into unambiguous concordance with my female gender identity. I am much happier for that. I am also happier for presenting as a PWD. Now I’m working on the paraplegia. There’s another analogy here. By most standards I am now a normal woman, but YET: I cannot forget that I am nevertheless a hermaphrodite. When I acquire paraplegia it will not be the same as someone who did not have BIID acquiring paraplegia.
What would I have chosen? Well, it’s certainly tempting to say that what I wanted was to be born a normal female, and become paraplegic at a very young age. Perhaps Spina Bifida or Polio would have worked for me too. But the reality is that I am a transabled hermaphrodite. What about a cure? Well, a cure for BIID means that you become an able bodied person without BIID, right? Doesn’t that mean by analogy that a cure for my hermaphroditism would be to be changed into a man with no gender dysphoria?
Hope you see where I’m going with this now. Is not a cure for BIID just as ridiculous as "curing" my hermaphroditism by turning me into a man? Both would mean transitioning from the in-between place in the OPPOSITE direction from my self identity. That just doesn’t make sense to me.
It was easy for me to find a surgeon to make my genitalia normal female. But a surgeon to make me a normal paraplegic? Forget it! Why? Because there’s no such thing as a normal paraplegic; that’s why. No, NOT my opinion; society’s opinion.
So here’s the difference: Male-Intersexed-Female goes Normal-Abnormal-Normal. Able Bodied-BIID-Paraplegic goes Normal-Abnormal-Abnormal… But NOT TO ME! To me it seems normal to be in a wheelchair; to have paraplegia.
We’ll get what we need when society no longer views PWDs as inferior, less than, damaged goods, needing to be fixed, second class citizens, etc. It’s not impossible. Let’s do what we can.
Now for the philosophical issues. Do I REALLY wish that I had not been born intersexed? Do I REALLY wish that I didn’t have BIID? Well, I could have been either male or female; and I could have been either able bodied or paraplegic. The thoughts of being either male, or able bodied without BIID, fill me with great discomfort. But ALL of these scenarios would have led to a radically different person from who I am. It is me who has to answer the question; the me who IS intersexed and who DOES have BIID. I accept being me. I don’t see how BIID could be curable, any more than hermaphroditism is curable. However, both are treatable.
Tags: Able Bodied, Accessible, Androgynous, BIID, Disabled, Gender, Hermaphrodite, Intersex, Paraplegia, Transabled, Transsexuals, Wheelchair
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21 Comments
wow chloe, that was very interesting,i have always wanted to be a dak amputee but also see myself as a woman.i feel to be complete i would not only need my legs amputated but to be a woman too.
3 On 17 April, 2009, Phil said:
Chloe, thank you so much for this fascinating and thoughtful article! It gave me a lot of new insights.
“Identity” is an important concept here. What is “identity”? Would I be somebody else if I had no longer the desire to become a DAK amputee? Would I be somebody else if I suddenly loved women and not men? Or is identity beyond or above all these patterns?
I think that we all have to overcome the habit and desire to classify and categorize everybody and everything.
Everybody is different, all kinds of “mixtures” exist and are enriching the world.
How can we spread this knowledge and attitude? Probably only by postings like yours and by overcoming our own categorizing, becoming more and more open, even naive in a certain sense, and accepting.
The big question is still: Is BIID part of our very self or is it a symptom or a symbol of a problem we have? I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t have the power to accept my fate.
Best wishes
Phil
Great stuff Chloe. When I think about it I don’t really fit any boxes. I don’t wear make-up and never wear skirts or dresses, but I do have long hair. I hate my breasts (too big) and would gladly be rid of them. I find that some of my thought processes are typically stereotyped as male – eg I rarely cry, have excellent spatial awareness and I am very practical. I know straight men who are more feminine than I am. I dislike pink and frills and handbags and feminine pursuits like fashionable clothes or shoes. I have not a maternal bone in my body. But overall I am physically and consider myself psychologically to be female. I have on occasion been attracted to women and nor am I disturbed by this, but would not in any way think of myself as bisexual.
So there I am. Pants to stereotypes and normality. I am me.
geez cath you pretty much just described me! except that i do cry a lot and consider myself bisexual. but other than that…
Just for the record, so no one goes generalizing on this connection, I am and always have been unequivocally male within myself, though bi with regard to attraction to others.
@Phil. You raise some very interesting points. How are we to discern the difference between an “identity” and a mental illness? Definitions are fluid between cultures and over time. Homosexuality used to be in the DSM. Sometimes one gets the impression that people who write the DSM have the philosophy “Different from me” = “Mentally ill”.
If someone told me that they had always identified as a fish, I would say they were nuts. (My apologies to those of you who identify as fish). But exactly how is that different from me saying I identify as a paraplegic?
I just got back from the intersex support group meeting. During discussion about my BIID someone offered this: “Chloe will be able to do things when she can’t walk that she is unable to do now”. I thought that was brilliantly perceptive. As background information, this person has fused T12-L2, expected never to be able to walk again, came to terms with life in a wheelchair, but mostly recovered. Her residual paresis and sensory loss is almost identical to mine (same leg). Her insight came from understanding and experience.
Yesterday evening I was filling out the census form. One of the questions had two boxes that could be checked, one labeled male, the other labeled female. The instructions said to check ONE box. I felt that I could not comply with the instructions without lying. Consequently I drew in another box and labeled it “Hermaphrodite”.
People love to put each other in boxes don’t they. Are we “disabled”, “mentally ill”, “infested with demons”, “fucked in the head”? Dunno. Perhaps we are just nice people trying to muddle through life like anybody else?
I will have a talk tomorrow with my advocacy class teacher. I like her a lot and it’s time for me to be frank with her. So I shall see how a PWD will handle my BIID.
Any tips what is the most important thing to say?
12 On 18 March, 2010, Sean said:
@Chloe, I love your solution, though I fear it shall be for nought. These census forms are processed by a machine. If something isn’t scannable, it is discarded. I would be tremendously surprised if a) it gets read by a human and b) if that human understand, much less cares :(
I like the “infested by demons” label :)
@Elisabeth: You are clearly self confident in the way you handle BIID, so just be honest. If I were in your situation I would try to link things with whatever you have been discussing in the class recently, so that the teacher will see the relevance in a positive aspect. Don’t get defensive about having BIID. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view while confidently explaining your own.
In my view the most important thing is just to be yourself. Good luck! We will all be eagerly awaiting your report.
14 On 18 March, 2010, Sean said:
@Elisabeth, very brave move! I think the most important is to be comfortable about it. The more uncomfortable, guilty, ashamed you feel and appear, the harder it will be for them to accept. I would point out you didn’t ask to feel that way and there’s no way to handle it, short of pretending and/or surgery. Be prepared for immediate rejection *and* for having the news spread out in the disability community in your area, with the impact that you might well be persona non-grata in that community. Big risk, big rewards. Good luck
Why can’t they have a damn “All of the above” as far as a gender sheet goes?
And haha. I’d of done the same Chloe :3
As far as my identification goes – I see myself as a female. I identify as female, even if I’m inbetween.
I mean, yes I have male genetalia – but I also get that time of month, I have breasts and I get facial hair. (Something I’m not fond of >.>)
Why people wouldn’t be able to just accept me for ME. I dont know … Why put labels on things? Why not just label me as Rhayven and move on with your life? ._.
Dear Rhayven,
I can’t begin to thank you enough for coming out on this website. It feels amazing to know that there’s someone else out there who understands from the inside both the BIID and the intersex issues.
It sounds like our intersex conditions are quite similar. Since you had the courage to address some issues which can be embarrassing, I shall follow suit as I’ve been less than forthright about some things. My genitalia looked more male than female prior to surgery, albeit diminutive. I had periods until I was forty, I have breasts, and I started growing facial hair in my late twenties (UGH!). Fortunately I’m blonde so it’s not very noticeable, and a plucking session once a month suffices.
This is a great place where you will just be accepted for you, Rhayven. I much look forward to reading more about your feelings and experiences. Thanks for joining in.
Take care,
~ Chloe
Hee.
I’m in a much better position than my MtF Trannie friends. Thats for sure. My genetalia – because of the positioning – its noticable. My favorite trick is squeezing my legs together and making it dissapear XD
While I do get facial hair – it grows slowly. My natural roots are blond, but my hair is brown (Weird ehh?) So – it started out blond and wasn’t noticable and now its blackish? I shave probably once every 2 weeks. Or when it gets really noticable.
I didn’t start really “growing” facial hair till I was 17. It still doesnt grow like that of a normal male either. It grows very slow and splotchy >.>;;
I’m glad ^^ People seem really accepting and I’m very glad of that. I honestly feel like I can be myself here <33
Hee hee! This is really starting to sound like my intersex support group. I also used to make my “male” genitalia disappear quite easily, either by shoving it all inside the abdominal cavity or by squeezing my legs as you suggest. It was very convincing.
So here is yet another BIID/intersex analogy. Those of us who need to be a lower leg amputee can convincingly make their lower leg disappear. I’ve done it myself even though it’s not my deal.
I’ve never tried to make myself look like an amputee. Though, because of past things – I have very little feeling throughout my body. I sometimes forget my legs are there ^^;
A picture is worth a thousand words. Alicia took a photo of me in the hospital bed a day or two after I had genital surgery. I think the look on my face expresses the difference it made to me. It is this photo which gives me such confidence that BIID surgery will be of great benefit. There is currently a temporary opportunity (maybe a month) to view this pic on the internet. Alicia (aka Danielle Sainte-Marie) used it as one of many for the slide show accompanying her reading of her poem “Mid-Thoughts” on her website http://www.daniellesaintemarie.com
Go to “Poetry” to find the Poem of the Moment, and scroll down to the video. Pic of me is about two thirds of the way through.
If you go to Danielle’s Bio section you will find clues as to why she is so accepting of BIID. Alicia (Danielle) and I realise that by providing this link we are both pushing open our closet doors a bit further. So be it. I cannot hide from you the face of someone (me) who’s body has just been brought in better congruence with their self-identity.
I almost forgot. There’s also a pic of the two of us together in the the slide show that accompanies Danielle’s Bio (found at the bottom of the page. The video starts automatically, but give the page 2-3 minutes to load as it is a big file. Also, you may have to accept Active X controls, signified by a yellow bar at the top of your browser).
There I was, minding my own business on transabled.org, and one of those Ads by Google caught my eye. It said “New Shemale Dating Site. Looking for a hot shemale to have fun with? 100% Free. Join Now!” Free? Hell no! You at least gotta buy me dinner.
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1 On 17 April, 2009, Ana said:
Wow- amazing article, and really made me think… Nice writing!!
Reminded me also, that- while I am now (generally) content and accepting to be female…. motherhood has helped there… I spent most of my childhood wanting to be a boy (and ‘disabled’, of course!) and most of my teens and 20′s feeling like a man… and strangely enough, usually a gay man… in a woman’s body. In my head I still often feel male- and although I’m happily married to a man, I’m still not certain whether I’m basically a bi woman, or a bi man in a woman’s body!!!!!
Very confusing!
You are not the only one here to have both gender AND transability issues I’m afraid!
Thanks for that…
Ana
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