Home / Stories / Personal Histories / My failed attempts and what followed
My failed attempts and what followed
Written by Lily on Thursday, June 29, 2006
This is basically my story. I use the name Lily and I live in France. I’m a married woman, with 3 children and I have a wonderful husband.
Some of you may have heard of me either in a British newpaper as the "french woman who injured her legs and then wanted them amputated" or on the ABC Primetime Show about people wanting to become amputees. I will post the links at the bottom for you to view the newspaper article or about the documentary if you are interested.
My BIID starts at a very young age.
I have been a wannabe since the age of 5, and I’ve lived with it for a long 30 odd years. Times haven’t always been easy as the need has grown over the years. I do believe that I was born a wannabe as I can’t imagine that this type of "need" would just suddenly occur in a child’s mind and besides at that age I wasn’t even sure if a person could survive minus a limb or two. I saw my first amputee when I was more than 10 years of age and was both relieved and happy to finally find out that I could become an amputee and still be alive. It was a heavy burden to carry as a child and the same in adulthood. I pretended as a child and till a few years ago. I gave up pretending as it became more and more difficult to come back to reality once the pretending session was over. I had a fairly normal childhood/teenage years and I don’t think I’m any different to the average person. Of course I carried this "dark secret" in me which made me very unhappy for a number of years and made me live a life in two separate worlds - the one as an abled bodied person and the one as an "amputee".
My husband and best friend are the only two people who know about me and BIID, although I only told them 2 years ago.
In March 2005, my husband and I decided to go and have a 2nd honeymoon in Scotland. Two days later I picked up the parcel containing the dry ice which I was going to use the next morning to dry ice my legs. Both of them.
The next morning, very early, I set off on my "mission" - I took over the counter pain killers which of course did nothing to help the pain I went through for an hour. I swallowed them with very little water and stayed on an empty stomach hoping that the surgery to have my legs amputated would be that very same day. Anyway after fainting and vomitting a couple of times, I got very worried and went to the emergencies at the local hospital.
I was treated with 2nd degree burns for 2 weeks and sent home on a medicalised plane and the rest of my treatment, basically dressing changes was done in France at a local hospital.
My experience in Scotland was as follows:
My first attempt at becoming an amputee… and failure
I went into the planning of the trip and accident without any second thoughts - I was happy and very relaxed about the whole situation. We had the information required and knew exactly how to proceed.
We did not tell anyone our exact whereabouts - other than that we would be away in the United Kingdom. Our own family were not even aware of our exact location as we told them that we would be travelling back and forth and had no fixed itenary during this time.
Of course some of my on-line friends knew about the UK but not the exact destination, and others weren’t even aware that I was travelling at all.
The arrangement with some of my online friends was that my husband would keep them informed of our/my progress in this matter. This was rather difficult and not very secure as he was to use public computers and had to be very careful not to leave any trace of anything that could be held against us at any time.
I was relaxed and suffered no stress whatsoever and I could not have been in a better frame of mind.
I sat across the back seat of a rented car, both legs stretched out in a home-made polysterene box. The dry ice pellets were in small plastic bags and we started pouring some of them over my legs.
I don’t remember too much after that, other than being taken out of the car, and I kept asking for a specific medical person to be contacted. I had imposed myself on that hospital and doctor. I don’t remember too much, only bits and pieces, but I do remember finally seeing the doctor I had asked for and I finally knew that I could now let myself go and relax as I was in excellent hands. Unfortunately before this person was called in, the emergency staff had started thawing out my legs - which was the worse and most dangerous thing to do - but by that time I was on morphine and not quite aware of the going-ons as I would have tried to stop them doing that.
This was a Saturday morning - spent a little over 3 hours at the emergency but I remember only very little of that day. I was eventually booked into a ward and even got to speak to the surgeon, explaining my story. He agreed to my request.
On the Sunday I was told that my surgery was scheduled for the Tuesday morning 9am - both my legs would be amputated then and at the level desired.
I had a wall clock in my room which never worked and funny enough during the night of Monday to Tuesday it started working. I took my last sip of water at midnight, knowing that I no longer was allowed any liquids or food until the surgery was over. At about 8:30am, the surgeon came to me accompanied by another doctor, and took out a pen and made the markings around each leg. He told me that they would be coming for me very shortly. At exactly 8:50am, 10 minutes the surgery was due to start, that same surgeon came into my room again, I thought he was going to escort me to the Operating Room, but he simply said "The shit has hit the fan". The surgery was off!!!!!! That very same day the clock on the wall stopped on 11am and never worked again. Surgery would have ended at about this time.
I never gave up hope, not once and kept hoping and praying. The hospital administrator was now involved. He took this up with his superior and a few days later we heard that the case went as far as parliament and was turned down. It was also mentioned, that anyone that would come in to any of these hospitals, with the same condition, would only be given first aid and then transferred back to their home town or country and under no circumstances would an amputation be performed here.
I was assessed by two psychiatrists of their choice within a period of 3 to 4 days - both psychiatric reports mention that my "problem" was BIID and that " psychiatry has nothing constructive to offer her". It was also mentioned in both reports that I was of no danger to myself or others,that I am not detainable and that BIID was my only "disorder".
We changed our flights to return home a week later, as we decided that I would discharge myself and return the next morning with two frozen legs again but this time, I had the adequate pain killers as I had kept back pain killers (morphine and paracetamol tablets) to use for my 2nd attempt.
The problem was that evening, an online friend of mine phoned the hospital, trying his luck, got through to the ward and asked to speak to me - he got the reply that every other person would have received, which was, that no patients are called to the phone but that I was at that hospital and my health was fine. At this stage, I was holding on to anything possible, still being positive and I only gave up after that phone call, that made the administrator call in the police. They interogated my husband for a good hour and a half and made it clear that we would be arrested if we tried anything further. I was never left alone again in my room and had someone sat, at first, in my room and then at last outside my door - this day and night, despite them being short staffed.
My own family didn’t even know which town I was in, let alone the name of the hospital as we had kept this very secretive.
In an email that my husband had sent out to my online friends, he misled them in saying that I was being operated on at the same time as he was sending out the mails. My husband had not been informed of the change as he did not manage to see me that morning. He truely believed that I was in surgery at that moment. The next day or so he sent out another message saying I was fine, but since the situation was so tense at the hospital, he was afraid to say too much. At some stage he did mention that I was well and that he would not be able to send emails for a while. We were afraid that we were being looked into and couldn’t jeopardize anything.
To speed up our departure, we were "offered" a private flight home. We were basically escorted out of the country and they booked me into the burns section at a hospital close to home. Upon arrival, I refused to stay in this hospital, so they changed the dressings and I left. I still have numerous appointments at the burns units every 3rd day.
My legs suffered severe burns, from that day on I used a wheelchair and most of my nerve ending in my legs had been damaged. I had prayed for all sorts of things to go wrong ie. infection, gangrene, etc. With my luck that never happened!
The medical file, which was sent home with me, explains the cause as self inflicted with dry ice. I explained this to my general practioner upon my return home and he was absolutely shocked and took to this very badly.
My plans were to start again in a few months time, same procedure, but with the morphine tablets, and definately not on an empty stomach as that is probably one of the reasons for having passed out, ie. low blood sugar, etc.
I’m was very positive once again but very upset atmyself and the whole medical world. Upset and angryas the hospital could have turned a blind eye.
I came exactly 10 minutes close to being an amputee, to finally becoming the way I was meant to be, to being rid of the mental torture of BIID, to be able to just get on with my life and it was all destroyed before my eyes and I think that until I do become that person, every Tuesday at 8:50am I will still hear the words: "The shit has hit the fan".
Just know that I imposed myself on them and took a chance and was honest to them about how I landed up in the emergency department. Perhaps it doesn’t always pay to be honest!!
I just want to make one thing clear, I was not turned away, the staff were the best anyone could have wished for. They were sympathetic, understanding and interested in my case. I even met 3 medical students who wanted to ask various questions about BIID. Unfortunately the administrators of the hospital were so petrified that this would be turned into a mecca for BIID sufferers, that they then banned the doctor I had requested from coming in contact with me and assigned me with another who was totally against BIID sufferers and very ignorant about our needs. I repeat that should anyone pitch up on their door step, they WILL receive adequate and proper care minus the amputation that they request. If the limb or limbs are severely damaged then they will be sent back to their home town for further treatment. This was my first attempt and certainly not the last. I would have been successful but the passing out and the vomitting frightened me but in actuall fact it wasn’t as serious as I thought it to be.
My right leg basically healed fairly quickly leaving a numb feeling and discolouration. As for the left leg, I had a couple of "ulcers" which never really healed and they went from bad to worse, then better again, etc…
Of course, I used that as being an excuse for my next attempt since everyone, other than my hubby and best friend, thought I had suffered a vascular problem in the first place.
In September 2005, the time came to order more dry ice. This time I did it from home which was a lot more relaxing than the back seat of a car although the pain was excrutiating and I cannot describe what I went through during a 4 hour period. I fainted a couple of times, and vomitted too, but this time it did not worry me as much. The pain killers this time were a whole lot better and I didn’t worry to much about the empty stomach.
After 4 hours I could no longer keep my leg in the dry ice. I only did one leg and decided I would do the other once my health was good again in a few months time.
I went to the emergency of the local hospital, where I was treated upon my return from Scotland since I thought that they wouldn’t take it too badly since they already knew my story and would most probably take me seriously the 2nd time round and amputate - I was very wrong!!
The plastic surgeon, whom I had met and who treated me the first time, was very angry with me. The staff treated me badly and I was even told that I belonged to some sort of a sect. Of course no point in argueing with them since they knew better. I did ask that they stop talking about me in the corridors and rather ask questions, which I would be very happy to reply to and explain everything I possibly could about BIID. None of them ever came to ask.
The surgeon told my husband that I had superficial burns and that he needed to clean out my leg and the 2nd operation would be a skin graft. Well, it turned out being deep third degree burns - and it took 6 surgeries to clean out all the gangrene, the 7th surgery was to graft an artificial dermis and all this within 4 and a half weeks. The 8th surgery they took skin, 1125cm2, from my right thigh (all of it) and part from the left thigh to perform the graft. I underwent 8 general anesthetics although some of the stuff was done without any medication or anesthetic, sort of as punishement for what I had done. I spent 10 days in ICU and the rest of the time in a private room. They punished me, and treated me like some sort of weirdo, sometimes leaving me for hours without pain meds, not answering my calls when I needed something, etc…
To add to all of this, but at least or should I say at long last, I caught a staphylococcus areus infection during one of the surgeries. This was finally going to get me to have my leg amputated since the various treatments to treat this never worked and my leg is getting worse and worse as each day goes on. The wounds are bigger and deeper, and the smell is something terrible.
My surgeries were all over by the end of November and I went to see a physio therapist early January. I told him the truth as to what I had done. By then my general practioner was fine with me once again and things were like before - he and the physio therapist were interested in hearing about BIID. I also, had a psychiatrist, a young woman at the hospital who had never heard about it but who was most interested. I consult her from time to time but mainly to give her info since she would like us to have a protocol something similar to what trans genders have to go through in order to get their sex change.
While all this was happening, my GP sent me to consult a vascular surgeon, who was horrified at hearing about what I had done and said he would not do anything and that I should consult an Ortho Surgeon. He gave me the name of one, and I saw him 2 hours later. He could see that my leg was in a very bad state and that was before we even knew anything about the staph infection and before my skin started falling apart and going black.
He said I should have an amputation but because of the way "my mind works" he was worried and wanted a professor at one of the large university hospital. I consulted one, who then sent me to another, and this went on and on and on. Then one suggested that I see a professor in psychiatry who was used to working with difficult cases.I did that, and it got me no where just like the rest of it and by the time all this was over I had wasted a few months. My GP was angry and very worried as he said that the infection could and would at some stage cause septicemia which could be deadly and here we were with our hands tied.
The problem is that each time I consulted someone all they could see written all over my forehead was "BIID" and they chose to ignore the medical side of things, which was deteriorating rather rapidly.
My leg is totally deformed, very thin since its just the bone with some skin on it, lost a lot of the muscle, tendons, etc…. It really looks ugly plus it no longer has any function since I cannot bend it at the knee and I cannot move the foot - the foot is turned inwards and in a "pointed" position - like a ballerina, which makes that leg much longer compared to the other one. My leg feels like it weighs a ton, and hurts most of time since the pain medication hardly works at all now.
This is all 9 months old now…
During that time, I also had petscans, and tests with electrodes (similar to an encephalogram) and putting the electrodes on the wanted parts of my leg and the unwanted parts. In any case the results were the same as a person without BIID!!
Well I think I have told all but I’m okay to answer any questions you may have
Some links about this
This entry appears in Other's Stories, Personal Histories, Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You may have your say, or trackback from your own site.
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2008 - All Rights Reserved.