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Encounter with a devotee?
Written by Claire on Thursday, December 4, 2008
The first snow storm of the season hit us yesterday. It’s a bit early for snow here…where’s that global warming they keep promising me? Snow sucks when you’re wheeling. Unless you’re sitskiing, of course.
So, I was sitting at the food court at the mall with a couple friends. We were sipping our lattés and gathering strength to hit the department stores during the Christmas rush. I’m chatting, laughing, oblivious to the world around me or anyone who may be approaching. Suddenly, I’m aware of someone standing next to me, so close that I feel my personal space is being invaded. It’s a nice-looking guy, nicely dressed (in that Friday-dress-down-at-the-office kind of way), who looks to be in his late 30’s. He’s looking down at me, or to be more exact, at my chair. He says "Hi!"
Utterly naive and guileless, I say hello with an answering smile (it’s a reflex). He sits down next to me, uninvited. "Hey, how about that snow storm!" he exclaims. Without waiting for me to respond, he continues: "It must really suck getting around in the snow in that chair! How do you do it?" I agree that snow sucks and I bemoan the current state of the sidewalks. We spend a few minutes discussing this, and throughout, his eyes are on my chair, my wheels, my legs. He comments that my arms must be really strong. Still, at this point, I’m just thinking he’s sitting there because the mall is crowded and there’s no empty tables, and he is trying to make conversation, perhaps is curious about my disability. The snow is causing an accessibility issue and I am always happy to rant about accessibility issues, especially to someone who seems to get it. I’m impressed that the guy would even think to link the snow to difficulty in wheeling. My friends look on mildly amused…they know that the guy has unknowingly hit upon one of my favorite pet peeves and I am in my element. Suddenly he jumps up, says he has to leave, and hurries off. "That was weird," one of my friends observes. We hit the stores then, and I completely forget about this guy.
Finally, our shopping done, it’s time to go. We return to my car and while I’m loading my chair into the vehicle, my friend tells me that there’s a piece of paper stuck under my windshield wiper. Since I’ve already transferred into the front seat and my chair is half dismantled, I ask her to take it off for me. She takes a quick look and her eyes get huge. She hands it to me without comment. It’s a hand-written note on the back of a Safeway receipt:
If you’re lonely, give me a call. We talked about wheeling in the snow earlier. ;-) 619-384-4235 –Burt
I burst out laughing.
Then suddenly it hits me…how did he know this was my car?
Tags: Accessibility, Legs, Paralysed, Wheelchair
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15 Comments
2 On 4 December, 2008, Marie said:
Whoa that is creepy indeed!
eeeuuuggghhh! Freaky stuff
Which was worse - thinking he might be a devotee or finding out he knew your car?
Wow, that’s pretty blatant. Now you’ve got me wondering about some of my own experiences. I’ve had more interest from men in the last six months, since I’ve been publicly using leg braces or wheelchair, than in the previous twenty five years. I hadn’t expected this at all, and I find it quite confusing.
The first time was at a party in June. I was using leg braces and crutches. I had a nice conversation with a guy for well over an hour. He didn’t stare at my braces or make any comment at all. Then we went separate ways. Later on at the party I had just sat down by myself, and he came over to sit next to me. We talked some more; then quite suddenly he started looking intently at my braces and asked a LOT of questions: What were the braces like? How do they work? How long have I needed them? How much paralysis do I have? How much sensory loss do I have? How did I get injured? He had already spent almost two hours talking with me by this point, so I didn’t find it impolite by then. I just assumed it was natural curiosity. Then, after a while, he asked me out. He’s made it clear that he finds me cute and sexy.
So why does this guy like me? Does he like the braces? Does he like it that I’m paralysed? Does he feel sorry for me? Am I a brilliant conversationalist? (Umm, no). Am I cute and sexy? (probably not). Does he like my boobies?
Sometimes I feel utterly clueless about things.
5 On 4 December, 2008, Roger said:
The most probable explanation is he is a devotee who saw you get out of the car earlier in the day. I would not be too worried as he most likely means well.
I’m guessing you gave us a fake number, because 619 is a San Diego area code. And unless it snowed down there… :)
But yeah, that is a bit creepy. Not just for a devotee, but for ANYONE. Even if it was an able-bodied guy hitting on an able-bodied girl like that, it’s still be creepy. I agree with Dante’s “ballsy” comment too.
I sometimes wonder myself what I’d do if a girl devotee came up to me like that. I’m not really a “chick magnet,” so I wonder if I’d actually take advantage of that and try to snag a girl that way.
lol, Gordo, sometimes I wonder if you’re my ‘brother from another mother’ :p
I’m no chick magnet either (except I s’pose to a bona fide female Devotee)…I don’t think that way would work out well for you when they found out ‘it wasn’t real’ (a disability). The whole Devotee thing ended up working for me, though…
I don’t want to sound like Dante A. Montaigne, L.D.; but Chloe, that may or may not have been a Devotee - I would gamble on it being not, the guy probably just ‘locked on for the ‘easy kill” and round one was just buttering you up, and round two was ‘intel gathering’. As much as I hate to say it he was likely more interested in your ‘boobies’ :p
Dante, you’re probably right about my boobies. I happened to be wearing a sexy and revealing bustier, showing off my goods up top. I know I must sound really naive (I am), but is it the case then that some guys will think chicks in leg braces or wheelchairs are “easy”?
9 On 4 December, 2008, Claire said:
@Dante - good point about authenticity, but another thing that worries me is that as a devotee, he probably knows about BIID.
@Cath - I don’t mind devotees in and of themselves…I am one…but I don’t want one hanging around and watching me get in and out of my car.
@Gordo - yeah, fake number! LOL
Chloe, Yes I think lots of guys think that girls in wheelchairs/braces etc are ‘easy’. Lets face it from a sane perspective though, from a guy who isn’t a devotee and doesn’t have a specific interest in your disability he’s going to think that disability is undesirable, therefore it’s an easy assumption that most men don’t find you desirable therefore you’ll jump at any guy who makes any advance. We know that’s not true but that’s the way that a lot of non-devotee guy’s minds seem to work.
Unfortunately you have to get used to people like this. I\\\’ve spent many years in a chair and I\\\’m now used to people hanging around and watching me get in and out of the car. Sometimes they even come over and ask if they can help me, but I\\\’m used to fending them off. The only time that I still get nervous is if I know that someone\\\’s following me. Then I wheel into a crowd. I know that most devs are harmless but I always worry about the ones that aren\\\’t. Thankfully I haven\\\’t had problems with many of the latter. Just be careful out there.
12 On 5 December, 2008, art5080 said:
As a devotee…
All I can do is shake my head and say “Oh Boy!”. Ain’t no
way I can defend that guy’s
approach (hit) on Claire.
Reminds me of the E*TRADE Baby in one of his TV ads talking about the clown he
hired:
“I really underestimated the creepiness.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3vICft2LMo&feature=channel
Yes, the creepiness oozing from some devos out there just cannot be underestimated or ignored. It’s there.
The creepiness factor sensed during the incident Claire described at the mall, punctuated with the note left on her car windshield, was palpable. (Cringe!!!)
But, your experience is not the first I’ve been told about even in personal discussions with pretender and devo-aware friends who happen to be disabled or who use mobility aids such as chairs, crutches or braces.
It will probably happen again, so I guess you now have
some reference and will develop your response tactics accordingly. Can’t say I
blame you.
Oh, by the way, considering the mall guy’s approach, I’d doubt he has any grasp on the BIID concept, even if he’s seen the term in the past.
/Art
Well, time for the flames…
I fall into the camp of being an “admirer” as I’m “devoted” to very little, except good conversation and equality.
In my view, any human that objectifies any other human to a label can not be trusted and I’d not engage with them in any case. For me, the physical aspect of being attracted to a woman with weak legs is totally unexplainable. I have tried for many a long year to “rid” myself of this “attraction” as it brings me ridicule amongst my “able” bodied mates ( yeah, they are living in the dark ages ) and it brings me flack from ( some ) woman who use wheels to get around. Also, at a practical level, it limits my “pool of possible dates”. Don’t get me wrong, I consider myself an attractive guy and I do very well, or as well as I’d like to do, with “the ladies”, so to speak. But I will not lie or pretend to be something that I am not; and that is, capable of finding an “ab” woman, totally physically attractive.
So, as “dis” folks and “non-dis” folks are fond of saying…don’t judge a book by its cover. You’d not like it, and I don’t like it. It is being quick to judge that has caused the divisions in the first place…”you’re ‘disabled’ and therefore a-sexual”. I’m a admirer and therefore dangerious”.
As far as I can see, we’re all just human, and if equality and honesty is not the basis for a relationship or a meeting of individuals then that meeting can not be fully productive.
Peace,
James.
14 On 5 January, 2009, Sean said:
James, not sure why you think we’ll flame you.
If you read this post and the comments as “anti-devotee”, or “anti-admirer”, I think you misread. It’s not being attracted to people with disabiltiies that is a problem, it’s the bad behaviour, nearing stalking, as described here, that is.
15 On 5 January, 2009, Claire said:
Not to mention that I am myself a devotee and I am the person who wrote this post! So I certainly wouldn’t flame you just for being a devotee.
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1 On 4 December, 2008, Dante said:
Wow, interesting experience…
…though it sounds more like the begining of the creepy part of a drama/suspense/horror movie about to unfold.
If he’s a Devotee, then I’d have to say he’s the most upfront, ‘ballsy’ one I’ve ever heard of…approaching a woman when she’s in a ‘pack’, is just something men try to avoid, I figure a Devotee would be even more timid. Knowing which vehicle was yours is certainly a bit creepy, though…(he could be an agent from the local espionage agency of your nation :p).
If he is really a Devotee, I s’pose that’s another notch in the ‘W’ Column for the ‘Authenticometer’ :)