It must be be quite emotional, and draining, at times, to get it all out there, so for all us who are too repressed, shy or inarticulate, thank you again!

Thank you so much for responding to my post. It’s weird- to know that there are actually people out there who desire the same thing I do is somewhat relieving, but at the same time it is still not making me feel any better. I just feel so horribly guilty about it.

The fear of paralysis developed around 2000, right after the first time I was ever involved in a car accident. It was nothing serious at all, so where the fear came from is a mystery. Then 4 months later, I was involved in another accident, again nothing serious, but that really ignited the fear. I cried almost every single night from April until August and was terrified to get into a car because I was so afraid. Then I was placed on Effexor and the fear almost completely vanished. Then fall of 2005, I made the mistake of going off of an antidepressant cold turkey and after thinking I had disease after disease, I developed this fear that I had MS and that really pushed me over the edge. I made the mistake of telling my therapist that I was suicidal and was sent to the hospital for a week. After I got out, not only did I still have the fear I had MS, but the fear of paralysis resurfaced. Roughly 3 months later, I do a 180 and actually got furious that I did not have either one. I still wish for one or the other, but lately the desire for strictly paralysis is much stronger. Ironically, the idea of being a quadriplegic still terrifies me.

No, people really do not get it. As someone who has a number of mental illnesses, people really do not get mental illness. Doctors tell me I need to occupy my mind to get the thoughts out of my head and I just want to scream, what do you not understand? No matter what I do they do not go away. I cannot even go to sleep and escape them. Some kid told me my thoughts are dumb (not this one in general because I never really mentioned it to him), which litterally left me speechless. Maybe they are, but they are my thoughts and I am pretty sure they are here to stay. As for the person who people would blame, I actually went through an old journal and found proof that I have wanted this at least a month before I ever even seen him (which the first time I saw him I freaked out- long story) and it wasn’t until 4 months later I ever saw him again and found out that he was a paraplegic. I do not actually know him personally; he is actually on TV. I just admire him so much and have so much respect for him. I would love nothing more than to meet him. He is the first guy I have ever had a crush on that was in a wheelchair. And despite the fact that I actually want the same thing he has, my heart breaks for him and I cry because I feel bad that it happened to him.

I want to tell someone in my family so bad, but I am just so embarrassed to admit it. And the thing that bothers me most is my family often questions my sexuality (if I am gay, which I am not and do not understand why they think I am), wondering if that has anything to do with why I am so miserable. Boy, are they playing in the wrong field. I would not even know the first person to tell or how to tell them. It took me a few months to actually write it down in my journal because I was so fearful someone would find it. I guess maybe the first step I could do is ask if anyone has ever heard of it.

I have to ask, even though I feel really horrible to- does anyone ever get feelings of envy? I hate to, but I do.

Hm, I guess actually giving a try could work; except I would feel incredibly guilty. And I am so self conscious as it is. I am probably contradicting myself so bad but….I don’t know. It’s so difficult to explain. Plus, since I still live at home, I have no idea how I would explain it to anyone. Oh man I feel so confused.

Anyway, thanks again for responding. :) Sorry this is so long!

Nikki

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to introduce yourself. No, you’re not alone. And while most of us can trace our desire back to early childhood, you’re actually not the first person I’ve heard of who began with an intense fear that later turned to desire.

No, it’s not about attention, but most people who don’t know anything about disability will think that. If you spend any kind of time in a wheelchair in public you find out that the kind of attention you get is usually the kind you don’t want. And yet, you want to be in a chair anyway, because the attention - postive or negative - is irrelevant to BIID.

Knowing a para personally also held me back. I grew up in close contact with a para, and I just know that were I to tell family members, they’d say it was because of him, even though my memories of being disabled pre-date his accident.

But people just don’t get it, do they?

It does help to talk to a therapist. If they ask you if you’re going to injure yourself, just say no! They won’t have any therapies for your BIID but it does help to talk about it out loud to someone.

Think about it this way, can you channel your desire into using a wheelchair rather than focussing on the desire to injure yourself? Most of us find that just being able to use a wheelchair helps manage the feelings more or less tolerably. Get a used wheelchair somewhere (like eBay) and go alone to places like the mall where noone knows you (I drive 2 hours) and wheel around, and it feels incredibly right. My blog posts talk a lot about what it’s like to do this, you should read them, and consider it for yourself. If nothing else, you should know what being in a wheelchair is really like (as much as that is possible while pretending) before you consign yourself to one for all time.

Hang in there,
Claire

I found your page after finally getting around to looking up BIID. A little bit about myself- 23 year old college student, female, been previously diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, and OCD. I cried when I read that there are other people out there who actually want the same thing I want- to be paralyzed. I feel like I am the only one in the world and I feel like I am completely insane because all I can think is- what sane person in this world would want something like this? It\’s a relatively recent thing. Up until May of last year, I used to be terrified of being in an accident and being paralyzed. How I came to desiring it the point of wanting to end my life if it does not happen soon is beyond me. And I cannot find one logical reason why I want it. It\’s not for attention by any means. I hate attention of any kind so why I would want something that would probably bring attention is beyond me. I cannot tell anyone because I am too embarrassed and the few I could tell will blame it on someone else, which is not fair because he has nothing to do with it. This desire came on at least 4 months before I ever was acquainted with this guy (who was paralyzed in a car accident 15 years ago). It angers me that people will blame him for it. And if I got to get mental help, they will deem me a danger to myself and send me to the hospital. I am completely at loss. If I made it happen, I may regret it. If I don\’t make it happen, I am going to go insane because the desire for it is so strong.

- Nikki

At the risk of repeating myself, my experience and that of dozens of other transabled individuals show that if a spouse doesn’t come around within a couple weeks of learning about BIID in their partners, they never do. They don’t come to terms with what the future holds. Things may go in to a “don’t ask don’t tell” holding pattern, but that’s usualy as good as it gets.

Thank you for your comment.

I did not say Claire “chose”. I said “that appear to be chosen by you.”

There is a big difference between these words. Claire’s husband will be devastated and will need time to assimilate and understand what is happening to their lives and he has 4 to consider.

The fact that he did not rage or abandon them is excellent. they now all need time, love and understanding as they come to terms with the future whatever it brings.

You know and I know that Claire did not choose her problem but it is difficult for others to understand and therefore accept.

Essentially Claire, you can not deal with this on your own whilst your family are about you, therefore you need their help and understanding as they need yours.

Her husband’s reaction is not “excellent”, from any angle. His refusal to discuss the issue is typical of most spouses.

While I agree that it is a rather big “surprise” to discover your spouse is transabled, one would think that a spouse would actually research, or be willing to learn more about it, or discuss things. When Claire is so obviously willing to lay it in the open, and her husband so blatantly refuses to engage in that exchange, it tells me volumes. It tells me that he’s unwilling to engage.

Perhaps time will change that. Perhaps… Maybe… My own personal experience and anectodal evidence from dozens of transabled individuals tell me that unless a spouse “comes around” within a couple weeks of learning about their partner’s BIID, it just doesn’t happen.

You have made a good start by confiding in your husband and his reaction is promising.

If you consider his reaction from his angle then you should understand how alarmed he would be. He married a healthy girl who has born with him 3 children and suddenly he is faced with major problems that appear to be chosen by you.

His reaction is excellent from your angle. If you both work on it you will find a way of living that gives the optimum life for all of you.

Peace be with you.

Audrey

I actually have told my husband. Unfortunately, it hasn’t gone very well. He went from taking it as a personal tragedy for himself (wife with bizarre mental illness) and overlooking that it was more painful for me than for him, to completely ignoring it and not saying a word about it, and when asked saying “I try not to think about it”, to flat-out refusing to read any of my writings (he has now relented, saying he’ll read them if I want him to, but if he doesn’t really want to, I’m not sharing), to accusing me of going to visit a lover when I went on my pretending trip. *shrug*

So, sharing with my husband has not been a resounding success, and the only real benefit to having done so is that it allows me to have my wheelchair out in the open, as an office chair, and to go on trips with it from time to time (he has since gotten over the idea of me visiting a lover). So, from that perspective, I’m glad I told him, but he’s not really equipped to offer moral support for this.

Claire

Thank you for sharing your story so far.

I am disabled by Polio but my life improved when I learned to accept and live with, and share my disability. You also have a disability that you are obviously learning to live with. It is not easy but you will find life will teach you how to make the most of it.

As you still love your husband, are you able to share your problems and desires with him? This will not be easy at first but you may be surprised how he will be grateful for your confidence.

Despite your conviction that you are suffering BIID, my guess is you have a very low dose and would probably enjoy exploring the various avenues open to you with your husband’s help.

It is certainly worth trying. My experience tells me you have more chance finding help yourself withi yoiur family and here than seeking it from the professionals.

In the future, perhaps you could send this kind of information by email, as it is not so appropriate as a response to a post like this.

As for OCD treatment, I firmly believe (from discussions with many people who have undergone OCD treatment for BIID) that it is pointless and useless.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and post such a thoughtful response.

It never ceases to amaze me when people read this bizarre story and write to me saying that it sounds almost just like their experiences. For so many years I thought I was the only one.

I do, actually, have another appt. with the psychologist, but I will say this. I have heard of other people being treated for BIID as if it were OCD, but that’s never been effective. It’s similar, but doesn’t respond to the same treatments. There is some published research online about this, as well as anecdotal evidence on the BIID groups. So I’m highly skeptical.

I would love to read the second installment. :o)

For the rest, I will e-mail you privately.

Claire

Thank you for your e-mail to me. I will gladly be corrresponding with you and become one of your internet friends.

Having read your story, I am amazed at the similarities in feelings and experiences which we share. It was actually enlighnting to read about your memories and your perspectives which makes so much sense to me.

Let me start out by saying once again that I would like to have you as an internet soalmate. I am not looking for sex or quickies or internet sex chat. So, when you an I discuss the sexual aspects of BIID, it is not under-the-table stuff, but an exploration of the nature of BIID and the feelings, desires, thoughts and desires around it.

Also, as a sufferer from BIID who had his dream come true, I have I guess a slight advantage over you, however, having had my leg amputated does not mean that I cannot any longer be labelled with BIID. I reacon it is much like alcoholism, you’re an “alcoholic” while still on the drink and also when you go dry.

Forgive me if I am sounding like a preacher to you but I have something to say to you which will remain on my concience unless I’ve said it. Claire, for the sake of your children and husband, I think that you need to try once more discussing this condition with your psychiatrist. I know that you will think it is useless, but allow me to say this much: BIID is a form of obsesssive compulsive behaviour (like constantly checking if the window is closed, or when you find that painings are not hanging absolutely level - it bothers you to the extend that your thoughts and actions are ruled by you compultion to close the window) and psychyatrists can give very effective drug tratment for it. What led me to the radical action of mutilating myself in order to obtain an amputation, I think was because I nurtured my feelings of being a disabled. I further rewarded those feelings and thoughts by masturbation and it very quickly led me into a downward spiral. Don’t misunderstand me, I now have what I wanted and I live in a state of constant elation. But like you said, from a Christian perspective it is SO WRONG to undertake the scarring of your own body since it is the temple of God and I believe the Holy Spirit lives in all of us and to amputate a good leg is to insult God.

Having said that, I feel that we can start our friendship on a basis of trying to understand and explain the condition and not one where I will be responsible for urging you on to follow my example. I made my peace with God and I believe that he forgave me this sin like he forgives me all my other sins.

Having read your thoughts it feels like I have known you for years and I think you will want to know some bits and pieces about myself.-

I was born in 1965 in the apartheid South Africa. This gave rise to me being brought up in a society where whites were supreme and blacks were the servants and the labour class. In addition, My father had a small diamond mine in a small town called Schweizer-Reneke. My mother was the local veterenary surgeon and both my parents were mostly absent during the formative years of my life. I was taken care of by a black nanny and my friends were all black boys (I once painted one of my black friends white with barn paint because I wanted him to look like me - got a big hiding from my dad - LOL).

I am an only child and we have a very large family 9uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews). I remember, and I have photographs, of me sitting on my niece’s foot “riding horse”. She had her legs crossed and I sat on the crippled polio foot.

Later I remember (this was before I went to school) that I sat on the steps of my mother’s practice watching the high school children walking home. One of them had walked with braces and crutches and someone else always carried her bookcase. She use to be surrounded by friends happily crutching along. They always stopped and chatted to me.

Later on, my dad had a black worker whose leg got entangled in a maize harvester machine and he lost his leg. I was facinated by him.

In standard 3 (primary school) I has a favourate teacher whose one leg was shorter that the other. She was my favourate teacher and I think I was her favourate in class.

I collected pictures from magazines of crippled women and when I reached puberty I would masturbate over the pictures fantasizing that I was crippled as well. My parents never - to this day- know anything about my special inclination towards the disabled.

I guess it was at about age 8 - 10 when the idea of having a lower left leg amputation formed in my head. I remember secretly acting as though I was walking with a prosthesis.

After school I was drafted into the army and between 1984 and 1988 I was in the army. I was so occupied that my thoughts of being an amputee surfaced only rarely. After 1988, I studied law through the South African Correspondence University (UNISA), and I majored in Aviation law. Thereafter I did my private pilit licence and commercial pilot licence and flew mostly a Cessna 402 and Cessna Caravan for DHL between Johannesburg and Lusaka (Zambia).

Anyway, I’m now tired and i am going to retire to my bed. Let me know if you want to read the second installment.

Good night Claire

Tango

Sincerely,

Scotty

Thank you.

I am a Turkish Journalist. I am working in istanbul for “haftalık” magazine. We are preparing piece on biid and we are intriuged by your story so we want to interview with you for the magazine. So pls reply as soon as possible my mail.
could you pls give us your telephone number. Or your email adress.
thanks
sevda

It was such a relief to know that I’m not alone in this. I hope this site will help others feel that way too.

There is a group of researchers in San Diego who are looking at BIID from a neurological (as opposed to psychological) perspective. I suspect that it’s both. You’re hard-wired that way but you need the psychological trauma to make it kick in.

This was a very thoughtful tale of your dealing with BIID and should be a good example of how people like us who want to become paraplegics can, nonetheless, be quite sane and rational.

An amazing thing to me is, that just a few years ago I (and apparently almost all of us) thought that I was the only one in the world who wanted to be a paraplegic. It seems that there are more than a couple of us.

The getting attention suggestion does make some sense though I am sure that the ‘trigger’ events happened pretty early on. Perhaps something happens in development and if you don’t get the right attention, combined with a trigger event and you end up transabled?

John

Thanks for reading this and taking the time to comment. Isn’t it funny that so many of us have had similar experiences and yet it’s taken decades for us to find each other?
Attention was a part of it but not all. Sean talks about this in his post entitled “Eureka Moments”. I found it out just yesterday…I was alone but all I wanted in the world was to be paralyzed, alone. No attention. Just to be “me” in my own space.
I’m a Catholic with orthodox views on nearly everything. It’s not a comfortable place to be when you’re transabled. I haven’t found any answers but am doing the best that I can and trusting in God’s mercy.

God bless,
Claire