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Revelation at the mall
Written by Claire on Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Once when I was 18 or so, I was at the mall and I saw a beautiful young paraplegic woman. My heart started pounding and my breath came quick - I wanted to be her! I followed her discreetly around the mall, drinking it all in, I loved how she gracefully pushed her chair, how atrophied her legs were, and how she interacted cheerfully with everyone around her.
That’s what I wanted. It’s what I needed. I followed her out to the parking lot and behind another car I watched her transfer into a small pickup truck. The truck was higher off the ground than most vehicles and she had more difficulty transferring than my cousin in his car. At one point she dropped her leg and it flopped back down to the ground. She had some trouble picking it back up again. My heart about stopped at this graphic demonstration of paralysis.
She drove away, leaving me with a strong sense of loss. I wanted to be just like her. Exactly like her. The strong healthy body I had, it wasn’t right. I needed a body like that. I needed to do things like that.
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I remember when I was a kid my father brought home some of his friends from work. One of them was one-legged and had a very small stump and used just one crutch. I couldn’t stop watching him and was fasciinated by how agile he was. That was probably the moment when I wanted to be disabled. The feeling never left me and I doubt whether it ever will. You just have to find ways to live with it.
It’s really creepy to me how similar so many of these experiences are to my own. I really can’t put into words how many times I have felt EXACTLY the same way.
4 On 10 November, 2007, Claire said:
And that said, *now* I would absolutely not follow anyone around in a mall, nor would I encourage anyone else to do so. At the time, I had no idea that what I had was a mental illness. All I knew was that I was fascinated, didn’t really realize what I was doing. We can’t help the way we feel but we CAN help how we act, and I don’t think that kind of behavior is appropriate. Just a heads-up to anyone else who finds themselves in that situation. Be respectful above all else.
I used to find myself doing exactly the same thing. Now I understand that this is another common trait or symptom of BIID. I refrain from doing this now that I understand myself so much more. I only steal a glance when the opportunity arises, not really any different than any other attractive lady. The fascination is now just an appreciation of a special beauty. As we are able to deal with our own BIID, perhaps we are able to stop living vicariously through others. Also, from this blog and responses, I see a very definate separation between physical attraction to disability and BIID.
A few weeks ago I saw a woman musician at a concert, it became apparent only by watching her movements that she had a prosthesis. I thought, “she is really talented”. 10 years ago, I would have wanted to know if she was single.
Perhaps this is a sign of maturity, or as my wife says, I am simply no longer ashamed of all of this.
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1 On 20 February, 2007, Sean said:
I had a very similar experience myself. I caught a very pretty redhead, wheeling by at a local mall. I followed her for a few minutes, and then realised I wasn’t so much attracted to her as wanted to be her. She wasn’t unattractive, but I wasn’t turned on by her because of her disability.
That was the moment where I clearly realised I wasn’t a devotee.