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Home / Early memories / First Memories of Depression and BIID

First Memories of Depression and BIID

Written by Ada on Friday, January 2, 2009

Ever since I was a little girl, I believed others could read my thoughts. As a result, I learned to have my "private thoughts" only when I was alone. If someone entered the room, I would turn off the switch of my private thoughts. When they left, I was free to think again. While this practice has waned as I’ve grown older, I still am not as comfortable having my private thoughts around people as I am when I’m alone.

I have memories as far back as at least three. There are a few serious events that stand out, other than those, mostly insignificant memories as holidays, parties and such.

When I was five I suffered my first “major” depressive episode. My private thoughts became consumed with wanting to die and thinking of how to end my life. I turned six just before school let out. I had already begun to distance myself emotionally from people, and I spent the summer of my sixth year mostly alone exploring our neighborhood on my bicycle. I was frequently looking for places and ways to die.

That summer, I had figured on hanging myself from the monkey bars. I didn’t know how to do it, and I asked a grown-up how to fashion a noose. He showed me quickly, and then undid it just as quickly. I tried very hard to pay attention, but the final words from him were of caution. He said one must make a noose in a very specific way or it doesn’t work right. I convinced myself I wouldn’t do it right. Much as I wanted to die, I did NOT want to do it wrong, get myself stuck, and get in trouble with my parents.

I had a breakdown of sorts around Christmas. I became absolutely frantic and inconsolable. I was raised in a home where “bad behavior” was simply not tolerated. However, it must have been pretty bad as it was the only time in my life my parents used all their efforts to console me and I was not punished. They remember the incident well, and can recall their panic and incomprehension at what caused me to have such terror.

It was after this when I was six that I have my first BIID memory.

I was raised going to church. For some reason I thought prayers didn’t count if you didn’t pray with your hands together. I remember lying in bed saying my prayers and thinking how sad it was for people that didn’t have two hands. Their prayers must never get answered and that seemed unfair.

I knew I wanted to be paralyzed and when I would go to bed at night, I would lay my hands on, and close my eyes to try and will myself paralyzed. I would put my palms, skin on skin, on my hip bones, the part of the hand where palm meets fingers would fit in the crease where my legs bend, and my fingers lay on my thighs. Doing this soothed me and I have done this nearly every night of my life since the first time. It is so deeply subconscious now, I have had to try and remember not to do it if someone is sharing my bed.

Reading this now I think I was a weird little kid. As such I guess I’ve grown into a bit of a weird adult - but that’s me :)

Tags: BIID, Depression, Trauma

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